


Missing Home

by ieatleavesfromApplebees_NotSponsored



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Blood Mage Inquisitor (Dragon Age), Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Top Dorian Pavus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:08:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 19,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26556364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ieatleavesfromApplebees_NotSponsored/pseuds/ieatleavesfromApplebees_NotSponsored
Summary: Astraeus Trevelyan is- well, was- a circle mage from the Ostwick circle. He has some baggage and a huge crush on one Dorian Pavus who, coincidentally, also has some baggage.This is snapshots of Astrae and Dorian's relationship- and is OUT OF ORDER. It is also an analysis of the inner machinations of Astrae Trevelyan's mind.ALSO:: I'm new to this fandom, do not have a beta reader, and am doing this as a hobby. Please bear with my not-so-great writing. AND I have not played any of the DA:I DLCs, DA:II or DA:O (let alone their DLCs...). Most of what I know I've gathered from the wiki, and the fandom.
Relationships: Dorian Pavus/Male Mage Trevelyan, Dorian Pavus/Male Trevelyan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Hiding In Trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astrae is just done for today. What do Orlaisians know anyway?

Astrae had had a rough day. All-day talking with Orlaisian nobility, and unable to get away for even a moment, and trapped without a soul to help. Josephine had been busy, going over mail and letters and other important written tasks to deal with, and thus completely unable to get those noble pricks off of Astrae's back. 

Well, he could've bothered Josephine, but then he would've felt guilty for the poor overworked woman. And so he stood uncomfortably in the foyer of Skyhold, as some Orlaisian nobleman talked and talked about bloodlines and how "your reputation is everything, Lord Inquisitor", before telling him to maybe possibly break up with his boyfriend. 

"He is Tevinter, which means he could be a Venatori spy. And all Tevinter are blood-mages if they have the capability," the oily man had continued, as if he were doing Astrae a favor while second-guessing his choices and belittling him with racism and misinformation, "as a man of status as you are, you should know this, but you cannot have heirs or continue your bloodline with a man." The way this random Orlaisian man thinks he knows everything just makes Astrae's skin crawl. 

Fortunately for Josephine, Astraeus Trevelyan is adept at the Game and was able to keep himself civil during that conversation. But then several women tried to "convince" him to leave Dorian and instead sleep with them and suddenly Astrae was that much more done with that entire situation. He thought up a half-baked excuse and quickly walks away with his head up high, untouchable by everyone around him. 

He quickly escapes to the garden and hides within the sprawling trees- the enormity of the garden always surprising him. He always underestimates how large they are, but instead of dwelling on that and letting someone else find him and drag him back, he quickly loses himself within the trees. When he closes his eyes and grounds himself, he can almost believe that he's back in the Free Marches, back in Ostwick, and nearly home. Not in the Ostwick circle but instead with the people he cares about outside, in the forest, together. Of course, it's not the same. Sure, the magic in Skyhold keeps it warm, but the mountains stave off any of the familiar sights or sounds that would come with Ostwick. Only certain trees and animals reside in Skyhold, sure there are cats and Leliana's crows but there aren't any dogs. Or mockingbirds, robins, finches, or cardinals. There are oak and evergreen trees, but the trees aren't winding and don't drip with moss and are greener than anything you could ever imagine. It's just not the same. Even the cats here look different. 

But there is a sense of calm that Astrae gets while being in any tree-populated area, any area that could almost be mistaken for a tiny forest, and that soothes him more than words could describe. But there is something that could make him feel even better, and so he takes off his boots and socks and jacket, he takes off his vest and his overshirt. He takes off his gloves and wipes his hands first on his pants and then on his face, smearing his kohl, before searching for the largest, tallest tree within Skyhold's walls. He quickly finds it and feels almost reunited with it, before he begins his climb into the leaves. Astrae is, by nature, a clumsy person. He constantly trips over himself, others, and anything nearby, and has nearly sent himself over several railings while going to talk to members of the inner circle, but this, this is something he knows. 

He didn't always use to climb trees. He was raised to be prim and proper, as the firstborn son to a noble family, and he was barely seven when he met the man who had changed his life. A dalish boy, his age, named Rasha. Rasha had always been shy and nervous and seemingly devoid of all emotion whenever around most people, but they'd met when they were both crying over their failures, and bonded quickly. Astrae taught him how to make humans listen, and Rasha had taught him how to make things from nature. When Rasha had learned that Astrae had never climbed a tree, he demanded that they do it right that instant. It took a while for Astrae to learn, and sometimes Rasha did get impatient, but they did it together and eventually climbing things after Rasha had just become second nature. 

Astrae had finally reached the top of the tree, and instead of seeing miles and miles of forest, saw the stone walls of Skyhold and the grey mountains surrounding him, and felt a dragging sense of homesickness. But still, this was better than being on the ground, and as each day went by Astrae found himself seeing the innate beauty of seeing the sunrise and sunset's colors seep into Skyhold's walls and the warmth that they brought. The coldness of night forgotten when staring up at the clear, expansive night sky and gazing at the forever winking moon. And in those moments Astrae found himself falling in love with his new life, in this new place. But, for now, Lord Trevelyan would sleep in his perch in his tree, exhausted from a day full of people and meetings, underneath the open sky. 

====|>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"Astrae! Astrae! Astraeus Trevelyan! Where are you, up a blasted tree?!" A voice startled him out of his sleep, and as soon as his mind began working again he realized that it was the voice of his lover who was calling for him. Astrae comically looked left, then right, before realizing that he was still in his tree, and began making his way down. 

"Astrae-- are these your shoes?! Where are you going without shoes? And your clothes! Are you planning on scaring some poor chantry woman whilst naked?" Astrae smiled to himself as Dorian's shock cut through the air, and was almost to the ground when he saw Dorian a couple of trees away, standing underneath one inspecting his abandoned clothing. Instead of hopping down to the ground, Astrae decided it would be quicker to hop from tree to tree until he reached his sarcastic and distraught lover. 

"If I find you naked I am going to be very shocked, I'll have you know. You generally don't run around Skyhold naked, so let's not start now, hmm? Andraste's ashes, where could you be? Have you enveloped yourself into a bush to hide from Lady Montilyet and her dignitaries?" Dorian continued on, unaware of his boyfriend now occupying the tree branch right about him. The darkness of evening didn't quite hide Astrae too well, considering his red-red hair, but he was hidden enough to startle Dorian when he leaped down from the tree. Dorian did a quick double-take between Astrae and tree, before muttering, "Of course you were in a tree." 

Astrae smiled, albeit lopsided, and stepped forward to embrace Dorian, who had wrapped himself in a cloak. Dorian huffed before wrapping his arms around him. 

"Maker's breath!" He bit out, pulling Astrae closer. "You're _freezing_ ! We're going inside, _now._ " Dorian took his hand, and pulled him through the trees, the hall, and up the stairs into Astrae's room. 

After fussing over him, Dorian made sure they both removed their shoes and pushed Astrae onto the bed before moving to make sure that the fire was blazing. He removed his cloak and shook his head, huffing as Astrae rearranged himself on the bed. After Dorian finished with the fire, he went and sat elegantly on the bed, before laying down and curling himself around Astrae and sighing contently. Astrae smiled softly to himself and grabbed Dorian's hand to hold it in his own. He kissed it and heard Dorian's breath softly hitch into a soft 'oh'. 

Dorian sat up, saying, "turn over, amatus," in the special soft voice that was only reserved for moments like this. Astrae turned over to see Dorian softly smiling at him in a way that made his cheeks flush and his heart flutter. His stomach was filled with butterflies, his eyes widened, and his breath was punched out of him at the pure love and affection he saw within Dorian's eyes and smile. Dorian placed his hand atop of Astrae's chest, where his heart lay, and trailed it upwards; caressing his neck and finally stopping on his cheek, his thumb rubbing on his cheekbones. He leaned down to press a chaste kiss briefly onto his lips, before pulling back and chuckling softly. Dorian then started pulling Astrae's shirt off, which left without any complaining. When Dorian moved on to his pant laces Astrae's lips pressed together to stifle a whine, but Dorian heard it anyway and hummed in acknowledgment, pulling them off before soothingly running his hand up and down Astrae's thighs. Although he wasn't aroused, he craved that physical touch so much that he felt like he'd die if it stopped. Dorian must've seen the desperation on his face because he shushed him softly and started plastering kisses all over his face. He hooked his fingers into Astrae's smalls, and slowly pulled them down over his legs, effectively making Astrae naked in all senses of the word, bare before him. 

Then Dorian sat up and away, and Astrae made a distressed noise before Dorian soothingly shushed him again. Dorian made quick work of his buckles and belts, and soon his shirt was flung over his head. Astrae tried to sit up to help, but Dorian softly pushed him back down, placatingly smoothing up and down his chest for a moment, before continuing in his quest to be rid of his clothes. Astrae stilled under his hand and decided that this time he'd stay down, for Dorian's sake. Dorian shimmied his pants off, and Astrae couldn't help himself and helped Dorian remove his smalls, which got him a smile for his effort. As soon as Dorian made sure all of the clothes had made their way to the floor, he settled down on top of Astrae, holding him in his arms. The Free Marcher snuggled into the Tevinter's embrace and sighed a sigh of relief that took away all the stress of the day. And that Orlaisian nobleman wanted him to give this up for what? A couple of approving glances? 

Astraeus hummed in Dorian's arms and squeezed him tightly, and in response, Dorian hummed back and ran his fingers through Astrae's short red hair, and all was quiet and peaceful and maybe, maybe in moments like this Astrae could find the will- the resolve to go on. To face another day, the very idea hidden within the arms of the man he loves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aight so I have this headcannon that Dorian sleeps naked-- and a lot of people also seem to get that idea. The thing is... I think he also likes to cuddle naked. Like, he doesn't like the feeling of clothes rubbing against him when he sleeps.
> 
> Astrae never used to sleep without clothes on until Dorian barged his way into his life lol


	2. ABO, A Discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What better way to find out his nature than with friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy hecc, this is not my best work I swear. 
> 
> Okay, so, I'm not usually into the whole Alpha/Beta/Omega type of thing but I had an idea bouncing around in my head for a while and... Just skip this chapter. It's fine.

Astrae didn't think that it was too weird, not having a detectable scent. Of course, Josephine and Leliana were all about the concept, seeing as how people depend on scent to tell if others are lying or getting cues from emotion. Astrae didn't think it was weird how he never officially presented. Or how he just never really felt the need to have sex. But he does know why he's like this. 

In the circles, every mage gets a sort of... partial tranquility imposed on them that stifles the biological instincts and some processes. It dampens the emotions enough for the scent gland to not produce- well, the scent, obviously. There are no Alphas, Betas, or Omegas in the Circles, to make sure mages don't breed, because mages are sin or something or the other. Blah, blah, Chantry hates mages, blah blah. But Astrae had never been bothered by it. Bull claims that that is horrible, and that the Qunari are right in not stifling the instincts and needs of their people. Leliana and Josephine think it's a nice trick, most of the Inner Circle think it's odd. Dorian, Vivienne, and Solas don't think it's strange. Apparently, all of Tevinter does the partial tranquility, via machines that are placed all around Tevinter. But, the minute you leave, all of that becomes reversed. Vivienne grew up in the Circle, and therefore thinks it's very useful. Since she's left, though, her own condition has worn off. She's been very pleased with her discovery that she is an Alpha. Solas, another Alpha, claims that in Arlathan the elves suppressed themselves too. 

It didn't matter, not until Astrae became interested in Dorian. Dorian, as apparent to everyone, is a clear Alpha. After all, as the heir to the Pavus family line, he would've had to be an Alpha. Astrae's interest, due to everyone's confusion at his second gender, could be unwelcome. Although Dorian had made it very clear that he likes men, and doesn't particularly care what their second gender is. But Astrae has been heavily informed- albiet by the nobles- that apparently Alphas like Omegas. And Alphas don't like other Alphas. Astrae doesn't really believe them, but there is biology to suggest that Alphas and Omegas do pair well together. Although, if Astrae were being honest with himself, it isn't the relationship dynamics that he's worried about. The more and more people talk, the more he feels like he doesn't know himself. He doesn't even know himself, or his second gender. 

He doesn't feel too bad about it, but he'd like to know. What would he be? There are bets around Skyhold, he's heard them. Most say he's an Alpha. Less say he's a Beta. Only a handful of people claim that he technically could be an Omega. Luckily for him, reversing the suppression is as simple as getting drunk. Or high. Or taking dragon blood or lyrium. Just kickstarting his body and turning it into high gear. And there are two men in the Inquisition who'd love to get drunk, who would probably not jump him if he suddenly started scenting. Some of the most laid-back members of the Inquisition. The Iron Bull and Dorian Pavus. Of course, he really doesn't want to do this in the Haven's Rest. Luckily, both Dorian and Bull agreed to go drink with Astrae in his room. 

"Shit, boss, you never told me that you ambassador got alcohol put in your room!" Bull explained thump-thumping up the stairs towards Astrae's room. Dorian rolled his eyes. 

"Well, considering he's the Inquisitor, it certainly isn't a surprise." Dorian affectionately bumped Astrae's shoulder as they walked. "A drink or two after a full day of war meetings? Likely immensely helpful. Perhaps our Lord Inquisitor simply got lonely without some drunken company." 

Astrae smiled. "Well, I usually don't get drunk because I don't have company." Astrae shrugs as Bull finally opens his door. "I haven't had a proper drunken night since... well, before the Inquisition." 

Bull whistles as Astrae gestures him towards them closet of alcohol. "That's a long time Boss. This is gonna be gooooood!" 

Dorian elegantly sits on Astrae's chaise while Bull grabs drinks. Astrae joins him. The conversation, after that, is filled with Bull and Dorian encouraging him to "drink 'till you can't think!" and drunken laughter and stories. 

\---

Astrae feels warm. Warmer than he thinks he might've ever felt. Laughter bubbles from his chest and his head falls onto Bull's shoulder. Bull's scent rolls over Astrae, the happy relaxed scent of cinnamon and chocolate. Dorian has moved so that his legs are on the chair, his side pressed against the back of the chair. Astrae's legs were also on the chair, affectionately tangled with Dorian's. Dorian's scent, just as happy and relaxed, also happily wafts over Astrae. Dorian's scent, of citrus and the ocean, mingled with Bull's own. The Iron Bull affectionately wraps an arm around Astrae, pulling him closer when suddenly everything slows down. Dorian takes a bewildered sniff as the Iron Bull leans down to sniff around Astrae's head curiously. 

"Boss?" Astrae hums in response. "You're scenting. I thought mages didn't do that?" Bull thunks down his mug on the table in front of them before using the arm that Astrae isn't holding onto him to tilt Astrae's head, revealing his neck. Astrae easily follows the motion. The Iron Bull leans down and noses at the nape of Astrae's neck. "Yeah, that's definitely you." 

"I was wondering who I was scenting." Dorian drawls, reaching out and taking a wrist. Turning it to see the inside of it, and giving Astrae time to pull his wrist away before sniffing it delicately. "Oh, yes, it is you. No doubt about it. Why would getting drunk activate your biological processes?" Even drunken, Dorian is still trying to figure out life's mysteries. Figures. 

Astrae shruggs, lifting up the wrist that Dorian isn't holding. He gives it a cautious sniff. Spiced apple cider and the smell of an oncoming storm. Huh. "I'm... not sure. I mean, I heard about this girl... from the circle. She... got high, I think, and everything sttaarted up again." Astrae gestured with a hand, pressing backward into Bull's side. Dorian hummed in curiosity, before taking another drink. Bull hums still nuzzling into Astrae's neck. Astrae finds that he doesn't really mind that much. He feels strangely warm and comforted and judging by Dorian's smile and Bull's pleased rumbling they can both scent it on him. Bull pulls Astrae a bit closer with another rumble. Astrae huffs a laugh, letting Bull manhandle him. 

"Well, someone is feeling extra cuddly today." Dorian remarks, laughing as Bull pouts at him over Astrae's shoulder. 

"Hey," Bull says as he snuggles Astrae closer, "Omegas like to cuddle- and I'm sure that the Boss hasn't been cuddling with too many people lately. Omegas need cuddles, for their health." Bull huffs. "I'm just keeping him happy and healthy. We both benefit from some drunk holding." 

Dorian conceeds with an eyeroll and a smile. "Of course Trevelyan would be an Omega." He says, affectionately, bumping one of his feet with Astrae's thigh. Astrae gives a laugh, nuzzling into Bull's hold. Astrae tugs Dorian foward with the hand that the 'Vint had captured earlier. Dorian falls forward and into Astrae's arms with a grunt. Astrae pulls Dorian forwards, enveloping him into a cuddling hold, himself being held by Bull. The Iron Bull's chuckle fills up Astrae's empty-feeling room and they end up falling asleep in a pile in their cuddly position. 

\----- 

Astrae woke up with a grunt, frowning at the headache bursting at the corners of his mind. Bull chuckled, and Astrae realized that he was laying curled up on top of him. Bull ran his hand up and down Astrae's arm comfortingly. Astrae wiggled himself backwards into Bull's hand. Dorian murmured in front of him, feeling Astrae's warmth move away from him. Astrae blinked his eyes open slowly and sniggered at Dorian's mussed mustache before pulling the necromancer closer to him. Astrae felt Dorian's toes wiggle before a dark warm arm wrapped around him, pulling him closer. Bull 'awe'd at them before wrapping his arms around the two humans in his grip. And then, they all fell asleep. 

\-- 

Leliana walked up the stairs, knocking at the door to the Inquisitor's quarters. After a few seconds without a response, she shrugged and opened the door, stepping inside the room and climbing the last bit of stairs. She turned toward the bed and paused, raising an eyebrow at the Qunari-human dogpile currently occurring in the Inquisitors' bed. Leliana shakes her head with a smile and a giggle, softly approaching the bed. Bull's one eye slowly opened as she approached, he gave her a smile. Leliana sniffed the air, and tilted her head. Spiced apple cider and ozone? Bull shifted slightly, gesturing his head at Inquisitor Trevelyan himself. 

"Turns out," he whispered so that they wouldn't wake up, "getting sloshed undoes instinct suppression." 

Leliana laughed. "I see." She replied playfully. "Tell him to call a war meeting, when he's ready. Goodbye." Leliana turns and leaves without seeing Bull's nod. 


	3. Dream-like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astrae wonders if he's doing enough. If he's SAYING enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate summary:: Astraeus Trevelyan is a master at brooding, but actually talking through his feelings? Not so much. Luckily with some alcohol and prodding from friends, the outcome is much better than spending the night alone with mug after mug of ale.
> 
> BASICALLY: Astrae broods in the morning, has a mini panic attack at night.

Astrae found himself sitting on his balcony. Again. Just looking off into the sunset, missing staying up late as a kid, having Rasha drag him into the forest and having them both scurry up a tree to watch the sunrise in the early hours of the morning. Of course, Asteria would be dragged along too. But now, with the circle and the Inquisition putting more and more distance between them, who's to say that they'd all get along anymore? Every day away from home had him more and more afraid that he'd go back and things would be different. Maybe some of his siblings would have become replicas of their parents, or think that they've abandoned him, or any other kind of horrible conclusion. At least Estelle would understand. 

Astrae shakes his head, his breath coming out as a fog in the chilly early morning hair. He twitches as he hears the shifting of sheets and a groan from his lover. His lips twitch into a smile as Dorian pats around his side of the bed, looking for him. He huffs a laugh when his lover whines out his name, assuming that he's at his desk. Astrae stands up, the muscles in his body aching at the movement after holding the same position for the last hour. He strides over to the bed, seeing his lover's closed eyes and petulant frown. 

"Sorry, darling, but you don't want me in bed right now. I'm freezing cold." He softly murmurs with a laugh. One of Dorian's hands fly out and wraps around Astrae's wrist. He watches the frown on his half-asleep lovers' face deepen. He murmurs in Tevene, and although Astrae's fluent in Tevene he wouldn't be able to translate whatever slurring words that he just uttered. Dorian tugs him downward, pulling him under the blanket and wrapping around him like a particularly cuddly octopus. Astrae laughs again, wrapping his arms around his softly mumbling lover. Dorian uses his feet to push the loose pants -he slid them on to stand on the balcony- off of Astrae's hips. Dorian always went to bed naked, and vastly preferred it when Astrae also slept naked. 

Although Astrae is freezing cold to the touch Dorian doesn't complain besides a few stray grumbles. Dorian invited himself into Astrae's arms, nuzzling into Astrae's neck. Astrae ran his hands up and down Dorian's back and found himself strangely content. A void that had been torn into him when he was manhandled off to the Circle healed every time, he sees Dorian smile or feels his touch, and sometimes it completely threw him. The other mage didn't even know how he felt. Sometimes, he felt like he should do more for Dorian. Show him more affection, give him things that he wants, anything. And although Dorian, time and time again, keeps telling him that he doesn't need gifts, or extra attention, or whatever Astrae is trying to offer him at the current moment-- Astrae just doesn't know how to express all the love he feels for the necromancer. Well, without saying 'I love you', that is. 

It's not that he doesn't want to say that, Astrae thinks to himself. He loves Dorian, with his entire heart. And he's sure everyone around him knows too. But is Dorian ready for that step? Is Astrae ready for that step? Dorian hadn't experienced any steady romantic relationship in his life. Although being nearly ten years older than Astrae himself. Dorian is thirty-one and Astrae is twenty-three, and Astrae knows that Dorian turns that information around in his head sometimes. Working over it. Sometimes Astrae thinks that his inexperience is.... unsatisfying? In Dorian's eyes, maybe. It's true that Dorian's not used to his inexperience. Sometimes, Astrae doesn't think he's enough for Dorian. To him, Dorian deserves the entire _world_ and more. Anything and everything, he'd give Dorian if he asked. If Dorian asked, Astrae would let the world burn, watch it burn if that's what his love wanted. 

Luckily, Dorian doesn't want the world to burn. All he seems to want is early-morning cuddles. Dorian makes a pleased hum in the back of his throat as Astrae finally warmed up. Dorian wiggled closer, Astrae pulled Dorian on top of him to hold him better. Dorian happily burrowed himself into Astrae's body, Dorian shifted a little bit making himself comfortable. 

And now, feeling his lover's slow breath, Astrae feels a little bit guilty, thinking poorly of his relationship with his glorious lover. _Why is love so... difficult? Or am I just making it hard for myself?_ Astrae thought. 

_Later_ , Astrae promised himself, _later_ _I'll talk to him. Tell him I love him before it's too late._

\-- 

"Ugh." Astrae groaned, placing his head down on the table. Somehow, he, Cassandra, and Varric have found their way to a table on the second floor of Herald's Rest, late in the evening. 

"What's wrong, Princess?" Varric prodded as he sniggered to himself. Cassandra frowned over her report. 

Astrae lifted his head from the table, thinking about Dorian. "I just... How do I show Dorian that I care for him?" 

Cassandra made a disgusted noise. "All of Skyhold knows you... 'care' for Dorian. What more needs to be shown?" 

"I don't know." Astrae sighed, placing his head into his hand. "Just... I want to do more. He likes gifts, but he gets embarrassed. I try to hold hands and he gets nervous. I try to be more verbal, and he deflects most times. I don't know what to do." 

Varric taps his quill against the table as Astrae takes another gulp of ale. Cassandra sighs. "Have you told him that you love him?" Varric says smoothly like he didn't just shatter Astrae's world. 

"Love him...?" Astrae suddenly just sit straight up in his chair, looking at Varric full of confusion. 

Cassandra looks Astrae in the eyes with furrowed eyes. "You... do love each other, do you not?" 

"No! I do love him it's just... we've never said it out loud? I mean, we're both new to long-term relationships. And-well-I... I just don't know. What if he gets scared if I tell him? What if that's too much commitment?" Astrae stood up, now full of fire. Cassandra and Varric shared a look over the table. Astrae began pacing.

"I mean, I'm the Inquisitor! I have the glowing mark of doom! I wouldn't blame him, for not wanting to get too attached. I could die, at any moment, and then what? Or if someone targets him to get to me? This is a revolution, there's no guarantee that we both survive this. I should just settle with what we have, and cherish it, so when he decides that he doesn't want all my baggage and danger and just me it won't hurt as much. I just, I don't want to accidentally hurt him with my love, I love him too much to pull the rug out of under him like that." Astrae couldn't stop himself now if he wanted to.

"And his home is in Tevinter, and he wants to go home. What if he doesn't want me to go with him? I don't want to hold him back from doing anything he wants to do. What if I'm not making him happy? He could be happier with someone else- maybe someone from Tevinter. Someone with more experience. Someone who can actually keep up with him. I just-sometimes I just can't believe that he likes me. Me, of all people? I just-- he deserves someone better-" 

"I love you the way you are!" Dorian exclaims from behind Cassandra, on the other side of the table from Astrae. Astrae stops and stares wide-eyed.

"Festis bei umo canavarum, I want you, not whatever imaginary man you've invented that you're sure that I'd be happier with. I chose you, amatus, because of who you are. You're braver than anyone I've ever met! You're honest and kind, and curious. You listen when I talk about my projects and try to understand them. You're always making me smile, and laugh. Vishante kaffas, you make me happier than I've ever been." Dorian quickly made his way around the table, grabbing Astrae's shoulders and kissing him firmly. Astrae felt like he could cry. 

Dorian pulled away and Astrae hid his face in Dorian's shoulder, trying desperately not to cry. Dorian's arms wrapped around him, squeezing around his waist. "I'm sorry..." Astrae's voice shook, and he was too close to crying. Dorian shushed him gently. 

"Shush. There is nothing to be sorry for, amatus. I love you. I love you." Dorian sounded close to tears too. Dorian started slowly rocking them while standing as Astrae desperately gripped onto Dorian's clothes. 

"Perhaps you two should go somewhere more... private," Cassandra spoke up, slowly in the surprisingly quiet space of the Herald's Rest. 

\-- 

They stumbled their way into the Inquisitor's quarters, tears finally spilling down cheeks unbidden. "Dorian." Astrae gasped grabbing at Dorian's buckles. 

"Amatus." Dorian breathlessly answered, pulling Astrae's waist closer. They tumbled onto the bed, pulling each other closer and just holding each other. Stray kisses found their way onto cheeks, foreheads, noses, necks, and lips. 

After what felt like an eternity, but was probably close to an hour, the tears finally stopped flowing. Astrae wiped his eyes with a hiccup before dragging Dorian even closer like he was trying to become one with him. Human biology doesn't work like that though, so Astrae was just left sniffling and clinging to Dorian desperately. "Amatus," Dorian repeated, his voice firmer than before. "I love you." 

Astrae shakily nodded before responding. "I love you too," he gasped, "I love you so much." He pecked Dorian's lips. He kissed him again, firmer. One of his hands came to rest on the back of Dorian's head. 

"I love you" was repeated again and again after that. And a lot more cuddles were had. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this got really angsty. And weird. Now that I'm re-reading it, I personally don't think that Dorian would cry so easily in front of people. But then again, he's a big softie so he COULD.


	4. Please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astrae and Dorian have fun in the Library.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is smut chapter (not full on penetrative or oral sex, tho).
> 
> ALTERNATE TITLE: Astrae gets feelings post-coitus and doesn't express them even though his lover would most definitely listen. Instead he broods. Have you figured out the theme yet?

Dorian pressed  Astrae against the bookshelf, lips hot on  Astrae's mouth, tongue hot touching  Astrae's own.  Astrae whined into Dorian's mouth only to be pressed firmer into the bookshelf. Usually, Dorian  wasn't so.... bold. At least, not in public places. 

Dorian's knee pressed in-between  Astrae's legs, grinding against his half-hard on.  Astrae cried out and tugged on the belts on Dorian's shoulders. Dorian rubbed harder and  Astrae whined, idly wondering how Dorian would react if they got caught. Dorian's hands pushed under  Astrae's shirt and vest,  immediately rubbing their way up to his chest, pulling his clothes up along the way. If anybody came around, they would be clearly able to see Dorian flicking and pulling his nipples. Dorian quickly pulled his lips away from  Astrae's and instead pressing his lips and teeth to  Astrae's neck, leaving marks and kisses.  Astrae moaned  out loud before covering his mouth with his hand to try and  muffle himself. Dorian quickly pulled his hand from his mouth and pinned it to the wall.

Astrae shot Dorian a confused, dazed look. "D-Dori \-- aahn !"  Astrae arched  off of the bookshelf with a cry as Dorian growled. Like,  actually GROWLED . Maker's breath. "Dorian," he whined again. Dorian paid his words no mind. What was going on? Sure, Dorian had always been passionate, but he was always so concerned with public opinion.  Astrae breathed Dorian's name again, feeling pressure rest in his most  private areas . Dorian bit his way down  Astrae's neck, his hand flying up from the redhead's chest to his neck, fingers loosely wrapping around. The thought of Dorian squeezing sent an unexpected jolt of... something through  Astrae's veins. Adrenaline, maybe?

It  didn't matter,  Astrae hooked one of his legs onto Dorian's hip. The hand at  Astrae's throat moved to grab his ass instead, pulling him into Dorian's thigh.  Astrae whimpered, eyes sliding closed and head lolling to the side. Dorian  hadn't choked him, not at all, but he still felt lightheaded like he had been. Maker, he wished Dorian had. Dorian worked  Astrae harder, faster.  Astrae felt like he  couldn't breathe, and relished in the feeling.

"Dorian, I'm going to-"  Astrae whispers urgently, and Dorian only bites his neck hard, and  Astrae's entire world goes white. Everything is white, and he  can't hear or see anything, riding the waves for a moment and an eternity all at once. And then,  he's back in Dorian's arms, on the floor, braced against the wall gasping as Dorian finally comes himself. And then, the silence is almost deafening. His fingers  clutch the straps to Dorian's outfit, panting against his one bare shoulder- why wear only one sleeve, really- unable to let go. His legs  shudder and his core muscles spasm, eyes wide, and seeing nothing while pressed against Dorian's skin.

"Amatus," Dorian breathes, the only sound  he's made towards  Astrae since they split up this morning.  Astrae feels a burning in his eyes and realizes with startling clarity that  he's missed the necromancer's voice in this short amount of time. Dorian's arms find their way around and under  Astrae's form, letting him stay curled against Dorian's body, lifting and placing them both in the velvet plush chair in Dorian's own corner of the library.  Astrae feels more than sees Dorian slowly glance around, seeing if they were caught. He  doesn't tense, so he must have concluded that they  hadn't been.  Astrae's fingers shake and are going white from how tight  they're clenched around his lover. I love  you, I love you, I love you. His eyes burn, his lungs feel like  they're on fire, and the spasming of his muscles have little to do with his recent orgasm. What is happening to me?

Dorian  smoothes his hands along  Astrae's back, then reaching under his shirt to press against Astrae's skin instead. No sound leaves him, but  he's certain it  would've been a  whimper if he had given it voice. His legs shake and he  can't let go of Dorian, his fingers refuse to uncurl, dismissing any orders that his brain desperately sends. Dorian's hands have found their way to his hair now, and Dorian hums an old ' Vintish lullaby. One of  Astrae's arms manage to pry the hand attached from Dorian's ensemble, but it feels like lead. He clumsily wraps it around Dorian's other shoulder fingers resting, twitching, against the back of Dorian's neck. His back slowly relaxes, occasionally twitching itself back to  tenseness . His other hand can let go now, but  Astrae doesn't want to. It feels like if he lets go Dorian will fade away, disappear into nothingness. His hand drops limply into the space between Dorian and himself. Words mouthed to Dorian,  prayers and pleas, asking for mercy and retribution in the same breath; given shape but not voice. Dorian never gets the chance to hear  Astrae's silent begging for some sort of mercy, and yet for it never to stop. Slowly, his eyes slide shut and he releases a shaky breath; he goes limp in Dorian's arms.

"That's it,  amatus ." Dorian soothes, rubbing feeling back into his abandoned body. Soothing the fire scorching  Astrae's insides, letting the inferno descend into ashes. "You're doing great. Come back to me, would you?"

Astrae's eyes  flutter open and suddenly  he's reanimated, body working again. The tears never fell but now  he's solid enough to force them back. Brought back to life, bound back to Dorian's will. He whispers slurred sentences, unaware of the language  he's speaking in. Dorian presses a kiss to his head, and suddenly  he's aware of everything that he had lost when he saw Dorian waiting in the library. Is this what it feels like to be brought back to life? Some  sort of twisted trick, only performed by necromancers? He imagines Dorian twirling his soul around his fingers, the barest parts of his mind sliding against the golden rings that he wears.  It's a fitting image.  Astrae slowly moves, his body slowly giving him back control. He presses a clumsy kiss to Dorian's neck and knows the 'Vint is smiling. Another to his cheek and  Astrae can almost bear to look the man who owns his heart in the eye. Fingers grasp at Dorian's face, his-  Astrae realizes a moment too late, and he presses his lips against Dorian's. A part of him that  always seems to bleed tears when Dorian  doesn't immediately respond but mends when the mage presses closer and slowly moves his lips. Is this closeness too much? Will Dorian leave him in his crumbling fortress in his mind, caged and bound for eternity?

"Amatus," Dorian breathes, his lips now a breath away and looking into his eyes. That word is a promise and a sin; Dorian unlocks his cage and leads him away from the rubble of his fortress. Why did he ever doubt him? "Amatus," Dorian calls again, and  Astrae nods.

Dorian presses a kiss under his ear, and ducks down to give a quick one to his chest. "Welcome back." He says like  Astrae's just now returned to this place. "Sorry, for soiling your pants, I just couldn't help myself." Dorian smiles and  isn't sorry in the least.  Astrae wouldn't have wanted him to be.  Astrae laughs, shakily.

"You're not sorry at all." There's fondness and affection in his voice- he never thought that  he'd be able to express it in the open- and Dorian laughs joyously.

"You've caught me red-handed! I'll help you change, to make up for it."  Astrae rolls his eyes with a smile. He playfully hits Dorian's shoulder for good measure. Dorian walks him back to his quarters, and he smiles the entire way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get so frustrated at movies and shows and people where miscommunication causes all sorts of problems so writing Astrae makes me so angry that when I re-read it I almost cry out of frustration.  
> Like, I'm a firm believer in 'communication is key' in all relationships so Astrae not expressing himself is getting on my nerves and I'M THE ONE WRITING HIM.
> 
> Like why can't you just express your feelings?? Dorian wouldn't be mad! JUST FUNKIN SAY SOMETHING


	5. Gossip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian and Mother Giselle have an argument. Astrae shows up in time to set things right and reap the benefits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is before they got together, and their first kiss! Love my boys <3<3<3
> 
> ALSO, bit of a warning, there's a lot of dialogue taken straight from the game in this one

Astrae tromped his way up the stairs, not bothering to hide his footsteps. He nodded at Solas as he passed and frowns as he hears arguing.

"What do you think you're doing?" Mother Giselle accuses and  Astrae finds himself feeling slightly guilty even though it  wasn't aimed at him.

"Being clucked at by a hen, evidently." Oh. This fight is between Dorian and the Mother. 'Maker preserve me.'

"Don't play the fool with me, young man." Her voice cuts through the air harshly.  Astrae looks up and sees Leliana watching from the higher levels. She frowns and inclines her head at the two.

"If I wanted to play the fool, I could be rather more convincing, I assure you!"

"Your  glib tongue does you no credit." Mother Giselle admonishes as Dorian smiles sharply- almost reminding  Astrae of a sharpened dagger dipped in poison.

"You'd be surprised at the credit my tongue gets me, your Reverence." _There's the snarky Dorian I know!_

Astrae walks into frame, eyeing the  both of them . Neither had seemed like the type to confront each other.

"Oh! ....I..." The mother starts before cutting herself off.

"What's going on here?"  Astrae's brows  furrow , seeing Dorian's defensive position with his arms crossed across his chest, which means he feels attacked in some way. But, as strong as ever, his gaze remained firm and sharp, fixed on the Mother. _ Uh oh. _

"It seems the Revered Mother is concerned about my _'undue influence'_ over you." Dorian pipes up, and  Astrae knows that Dorian has just won this argument by proxy.

"It _is_ just concern," she says slowly, frowning, "Your Worship, you _must_ know how this looks."  Astrae frowns, trying to puzzle what she means. How this  _ looks _ ? The Revered Mother, The Inquisitor, and Dorian  Pavus , the brilliant mage who discovered time all arguing in the library in front of prying ears and eyes. Why did they not take this somewhere more private then?

"You might have to spell it out, my dear," Dorian says, looking distinctly sad.  Astrae glances between the two of them, seeing Dorian's resignation is  _ not  _ a good sign.

"This man is of  Tevinter . His presence at your side.... the rumors alone...." She trails off, hoping  Astrae will take the hint. 

"What's wrong with him being from  Tevinter , then? Specifically?"  Astrae digs, wondering why this would just now become a problem after everything Dorian had done in the inner circle. Why  _ now _ ? People  haven't discriminated against Dorian since Haven, if Leliana's reports are correct.

"I'm fully aware that not everyone from the Imperium is the same." She says, to clarify her stance on her sort-of racism.  Astrae doesn't believe that statement, as she seems to be defending herself more than explaining why Dorian being  Tevinter is causing whatever  they're arguing about.

"Kind of you to notice, yet still you bow to the opinion of the masses." Dorian points out and  Astrae finds himself nodding in agreement.  _ Brilliant minds think alike... _

"The opinion of the masses is based on centuries of evidence. What would you have me tell them?" What  Astrae heard was _ 'we've always been racist due to  _ _ stories _ _. you want me to just tell them to change their ways?' _ and the answer is  **_ yes _ ** . 

"The truth?" Dorian shoots back.

"The truth is that I do not know you, and neither do they. Thus, these rumors will continue." Well, then, get to know him. Simple. Or, at least  that's what  Astrae thinks. _**Rumors**? Is that the cause of this?_

"Oh? I'd like to hear what these rumors are, exactly."  Astrae says, his gaze now focused on the mother.

"I... could not repeat them, your Worship."

"Repeat them? So, you've shared them before?"

"I.... see. I meant no disrespect, Inquisitor. Only to ask after this man's intentions. If you feel he is without  ulterior motive, then I humbly beg forgiveness of you both." Mother Giselle bows to them both before leaving.  Astrae finds himself fiercely hating how she said ' ulterior '- it sent something crawling under his skin like he could scrub himself fiercely for hours and still feel sick and dirty.

Astrae whirls to look at Dorian, not bothering to watch the Mother's decent.

"Well that's _something_ ," Dorian says, still facing forwards.

"She didn't get to you, did she?"  Astrae looks Dorian up and down, looking for any trace of distress. Dorian  scoffs .

"No, it takes more to get to me than thinly veiled accusations." Dorian frowned, crossing his arms in the small corner of the library as Mother Giselle's footsteps echoed down the stairs.  Astrae frowned, a million threats and unfortunate ' _accidents_ ' playing through his mind. The tens of hundreds of bad situations Dorian has been in because of his heritage or his being a mage. Or the scuffles because he  isn't only a  Tevinter mage, he is a gorgeous necromancer who also happens to be utterly brilliant and snarky and... well, his fashion does stand out.

"You don't think she'll _do_ anything?"  Astrae asks, now trying to mentally re-assess Mother Giselle's danger levels. What if she gathers support in the faithful to  spurn Dorian? The damage that could cause to Dorian's mental state  _ alone _ ...

"Do _what_? Yours is the good opinion I care about, not hers." Dorian turns to face  Astrae , his brows pinched and a frown on his lips. "I don't know if you're aware, but the assumption in some corners is that you and I are....  _ intimate _ ."

"That's not the worst assumption they could have, is it?" He feels laughter bubbling in his chest as he smiles. Him with Dorian?  That'd be a _dream come true!_ Alas, he'll settle for being the 'Vint's best friend. He crosses his arms across his chest, mirroring Dorian.

"I don't know, _is_ it?" Dorian answers with a touch of breath in his voice, his lips twitching up at the corners, and his posture relaxing slightly.  _ Thank the Maker _ they're back to their usual  banter .

"Do you always answer a question with a question?"  Astrae tries valiantly to stop the grin threatening to take over his face. There is no logical reason he should be feeling as light and giddy as he does.

"Would you like me to answer in some other fashion?" Dorian says, causing a laugh to pour out of  Astrae's mouth. He has always loved the  banter that Dorian has.

"If you're capable." He says and suddenly Dorian drops his arms and starts forward, pressing his lips against  Astrae's .  Astrae stumbles back into the bookcase, quickly gripping Dorian's outfit so that if he falls,  he's not falling alone.  Thankfully Dorian takes the hint that  Astrae's not leaving the kiss (or at least not on purpose). The redhead's eyes slide closed of their own accord as he feels Dorian's lips pressing against his own,  soft and firm. They both tilt their heads slightly in opposite directions to help the kiss and  it's just their lips sliding together for several seconds. It felt  almost like an eternity.

" 'If you're capable'," Dorian says affectionately, pulling away slightly as  Astrae's head spins- "the nonsense you speak."  Astrae's eyes finally work themselves open and all he sees are Dorian's grey eyes, with the touch of brown around the pupils that  Astrae has spotted by looking too closely at him too many times. His cheeks are on fire,  _ Maker, he  _ _ didn't _ _ know that someone could  _ _ actually involuntarily _ _ blush this much. How long has it been since someone had  _ _ surprised _ _ him, well and truly? _

"You realize this makes the rumors somewhat true,"  Astrae says, not caring at all about the rumors and scrambling to make his brain work again.  _ How could a simple kiss  _ _ fluster _ _ him this badly? _

"Evidently," Dorian softly exhales. "We might have to explore the full truth of them later, in private."  Astrae leans heavily against the wall as he watches Dorian walk away.

Astrae closes his eyes and leans his head against the bookshelf.

"Finally." Leliana's tilting Orlaisian accented voice says from his left. "You two have been dancing around each other since Haven."  Astrae cracks open an eye to see her small smile. 

"We have. I wonder how long we will continue to dance around each other. Neither of us are very... well, bold. Outside of words that is." Leliana grins.

"It appears that Ser Dorian is much bolder than you give him credit." She giggles, leaning forwards. "When did you realize that you love him?"

Astrae's lips twitch into a smile of his own. "Ages ago. When I was facing down Corypheus, his panicked face before I told him to run was all that I could think of. I was thrown against a catapult and saw the flaming arrow in the sky and all I saw was his magic."

Leliana pokes his shoulder. "Are you going to woo him? Take him on dates to Val  Royeaux ?"  Astrae smiles and snickered.

"If he would let me." They both smile at each other, nodding, before leaving to their own business.


	6. Bubble Bath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astrae just needs a moment to relax.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT I'M SORRY Y'ALL IT TOOK AWHILE!  
> I've been trying to write something good and honestly? I've been caught up in some ANGST for a while and didn't want to post any of it lol  
> So have some fluff instead!!

Astrae honestly didn't expect Dorian to join him in the bath. Josephine _insisted_ that he have his own bathroom, with a magnificent tub, and so he did. It wasn't too large, but it was porcelain and smooth, and _just_ big enough for Astrae to fully submerge himself and still have a little bit of wiggle room.

Of course, he could just go to the bathhouse, where everyone else bathes, but Josephine luckily had the foresight for the days when he just wanted to be *alone* and not be the Inquisitor or the Herald for five maker-damned minutes. So Astrae sank down some in the bath until the bubbles touched the bottom of his chin and was content. And then Dorian somehow snuck in, stripped, and plopped himself on Astrae's lap.

Astrae blinked up at his smiling lover, the hot hot bath relaxing his mind and keeping him from the nervousness or embarrassment he would've otherwise felt. He trailed his soap-covered hands up Dorian's torso before cradling his jaw and smiling.

"Wanted a bath too, dearest?" He teased warmly, sure that his fingers must feel like fire against the 'Vint's skin.

Dorian laughed in that sharp way he always does. "Well, that was the plan. Sneak into the Inquisitors' room and have a little bath for myself. But, oh, imagine my surprise to find you here instead of in the war-room or Cullen's office or wherever you go during the day."

Dorian leans down and presses an easy kiss to Astrae's forehead, his smile curling the tips of his mustache from how wide it is. Astrae sighs happily with a hum, closing his eyes.

"Yes, it is quite surprising isn't it? As it stands, though, I've been formally banned from the war room unless there's a meeting in there. _Someone_ told them that I was sleeping in there, and they found the idea ridiculous." Astrae opens his eyes to give his lover a coy look with a sharp smile. The softness in his eyes and the care in his fingers as he traced Dorian's shoulders gave him away.

"Oh? I wonder who could have possibly have done that?" Dorian chuckles, leaning down for a butterfly kiss before lightly brushing their lips together. Astrae let his eyes fall half-closed as he pressed a little closer, made the brushing into a kiss, and watched as Dorian sighed contently and leaned in closer, making the kiss more solid but not taking the step to escalate the situation.

"Je t'aime, Dorian." Astrae whisper-mumbles, half to himself but smiles when he feels Dorian's answering smile and huff of a laugh.

"Orlaisian, again, amatus? Surely we could settle on a language to speak together." He teases before licking his way into Astrae's mouth. He pulls away after only a couple of seconds to smile at Astrae.

"I care for you deeply as well, amatus." And Astrae smiles widely, feeling utterly content, and somehow it's so much better than being alone.


	7. I Just Can't, Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astrae has nightmares caused by his fever. Dorian has to deal with his lover's babble. Why couldn't he have babbled in common?
> 
> (What Dorian doesn't know is that he's lucky that Astrae wasn't speaking elvish)

_Astrae twists and turns, fighting and struggling. The water laps around him, something's grabbed his arms and twisted deftly around him, feeling like chains. The dark water swirls and pushes around him, waves threatening to overtake his head. His breath comes out fast, barely taking a full breath before pulling more air in but not enough- never enough. He tugs and jerks in his bounds, his hair falling into his eyes. Fuck, fuck, fuck, he thinks shakily- and that is all he's reduced to. Fire flares up around him before being quickly put out from the water, he reaches for ice and it works. The ice freezes the water around him, and he looks down to see what's holding him. Dark, charred hands grab him, the grip firm and unbreakable. The burnt bodies rub off dust as he twists, kicking them. The blackened, soot-filled faces with just crisp skin pulled over bone stare at him without any eyes or nose. Dead, they're dead, and he's killed them._

_The water swells, falling into his make-shift enclosure of ice and he jerks, trying to free himself from their grip but he can't. They'll never let go- 'I'll never be free.' Helpless tears fall from his face, something inside him is tearing with the sorrow and panic and fear that emits from him._

_"Why?" One of them rasps, hands gripping tighter as the jaw snaps open and closed with no tongue or breath to help it speak. "WHY?"_

_"No. No. NoNoNoNoNo-" It's the only word he can manage, desperately forcing itself past his closed up throat as the charred bodies crawl their way up his body until he's face to face with one of the charred remains. He desperately tries electricity but it doesn't work- 'why doesn't it work?'_

_"I won't go back- you can't make me- leave me alone!" He cries out, watching in horror as one of them holds up their hand, gathering the angry red sparking of blood magic. "No- no! No! STOP!"_

_He pulls and tugs and somehow their hands lose their grip, and Astrae is left falling into the deep water, stuck staring upwards as the empty eye sockets follow his decent, the red magic lighting up their blackened bodies and making them appear to have eyes._

_.._

"BOSS!" Astrae jerks, his eyes flying open with a gasp before launching into a coughing fit. Tears roll hot down his cheeks and the Iron Bull's meaty hands grip his shoulders firmly. "Okay Boss, let it all out, deep breaths." Bull rubs his arms as his limbs twitch of their own volition and all he can see for several long moments are the charred faces and dark waves swallowing him whole. "Can you hear me, boss?" Astrae nods quickly and jerkily. Bull lets out a breath of relief. Astrae feels sick to his stomach and lets Bull lay him back down.

He rubs at his eyes harshly, clenching his jaw, still trembling violently. Sweat pours from him- cold, a reminder of the panic that has yet to pass. Desperate breaths make every inhale a hitching gasp and every exhale sounds like it was torn from his lungs by invisible hands. His hair sticks to his head, matted with sweat, and Astrae doesn't even bother trying to run his hands through it to calm down. He curls his hands into tightly clenched fists and presses them against his closed eyes so hard that he sees color erupt from behind his eyelids. His legs came up to bend, almost making him curl into himself- it would have had that effect if he were on his side and not his back. He flinches when Bull places his hand on his head, running his fingers through Astrae's hair as Astrae tries to fight through the waves of panic and haunting images.

After a moment, the Iron Bull pulls Astrae into his arms, making him rest on his knees, and presses him firmly against his chest. Astrae's hands fly to Bull's shoulders and grip them tightly.

"Match your breathing to mine," Bull says, and Astrae struggles for a moment, and it takes him a while to match to Bull's rhythm-- not even mentioning the difference in their lung capacity. "That's it, boss. You got this." He soothes, and it takes what feels like forever for Astrae to calm down. Bull holds him through all of it as Astrae slowly relaxes, his body going limb and feeling sore.

"What time is it?" He whispers, his hands slipping from Bull's shoulders to rest against his chest, between their bodies. He presses his forehead to Bull's chest, feeling very cold and empty, tears trickling down but no longer feeling the pain of before. Just an ache, now, and he can deal with aches.

"It's late, boss. Just a bit past midnight." Bull rubs a hand up and down Astrae's back before pulling Astrae away from his body and pressing his hand to the redhead's forehead. "You have a fever, you're burning up. Here, drink this." Bull leans over and grabs Astrae's waterskin, pressing it into his hand. Astrae takes a sip, before taking another, feeling exhausted. He rests his head on Bull's shoulder and mumbles something, everything growing muddled before he tips off, back to sleep.

...

The trip back to Skyhold is a blur, and he can't remember most of it. He knows that everything was startlingly detailed on the way back, noticing little things that if he were healthy, he wouldn't have. Luckily, he wasn't nauseous, otherwise riding his horse would've been hell. But he did feel like his brains had been replaced with cotton, and his body replaced with wax. An unseen hand would light the wick, melting him down and making him burn until he became a useless puddle, which left him cold and tense. Over and over again, hot and cold flashes flew through him like wildfire- blazing and burning and leaving him in ashes.

After the nightmare, the next morning Bull insisted that they go back to Skyhold. Cassandra and Varric both agreed, and they made it there quickly enough. The Frostbacks weren't pleasant to ride through- when his body felt like burning while bundled under so many layers that he wasn't allowed to take off. When he passed the gate and got ushered to the healers, they gave him some medicine that tasted terrible but through his brain through a loop, and suddenly he couldn't actively remember the entire week without thinking intently about it for fifteen minutes. Every thought he had slipped through his mind like a man on fresh ice, sliding and slipping and sometimes falling through, lost forever. He couldn't expand upon his thoughts and even the thoughts he kept at bay were no longer locked away in his mind- so the healers sent him to bed and had someone stroke the fire until it blazed strongly and the room felt so hot-- too hot but he couldn't fight anyone off as they bundled him beneath four blankets and left him to suffer.

And then Dorian came rocketing into the room- like an unforeseen disaster shaking whatever poor area it happened upon to its core. Dorian was the archdemon to Astrae's Fereldan as he flew open the door to his room and slammed it back closed. He took the steps two at a time before quickly walking up to the bed. He shook Astrae's shoulder while looking for his face between all of the pillows and blankets.

"Amatus? Varric told me you are unwell! Where are you in there?" Astrae managed to wiggle his way to the surface, peering up at Dorian with glazed blue-green eyes. "Oh. You must be burning up! Do you need anything?" Astrae takes a minute to mentally process Dorian's question- his brain slowly translating the sounds that came from the mage's mouth into understandable words. Astrae nods, wiggling and moving some blankets before patting the space next to him in bed. Dorian only hesitates for a second before undressing and worming his way under the covers to take Astrae into his arms. Astrae gratefully nuzzles into Dorian's chest, mumbling something in some language. He hopes it's common.

Dorian re-arranges them to be comfier, and Astrae presses closer, stripping off his shirt, socks, and pants, needing to press skin-to-skin against Dorian. His burning skin presses against Dorian's -it feels like freezing ice to Astrae, but logically somewhere in his brain, he knows Dorian could never stand to get that cold. Dorian guides Astrae's head to his shoulder, running his hand through Astrae's hair and wrapping his spare arm around the redhead's waist.

"It's okay amatus. You'll get well soon." Astrae nods, pressing a kiss to Dorian's shoulder.

"Je t'aime mon chéri..." Astrae mumbles, pressing against Dorian closer. "T'es l'amour de ma vie. Je t'adore." His words slur together and he's not thinking about what he's saying, but it feels good to get it off of his chest. What he feels for Dorian burns hotter than the sun.

"...Is that Orlaisian?" Dorian says, surprise in his voice. "I didn't know that you know Orlaisian. I'm afraid I can't understand you, amatus. Could you say it in common?"

"Tu es l'homme de mes rêves. J'aimerais passer plus de temp avec toi-- tu me rends tellement heureux." Astrae mumbles into Dorian's shoulder as Dorian quietly chuckles. "Je t'aime beaucoup. Je t'aime de tout mon âme. J'adore ton sourie... Je pense toujours à toi..."

After that, Astrae slowly nods off as Dorian stares up at the ceiling and wonders what his lover was saying. Perhaps it was something completely ridiculous, as Astrae is clearly delirious.

....

The healers come in the next day, rousing both mages at ten in the morning. Dorian easily wakes up but Astrae grumbles the entire time. The healer pokes and prods the rift mage, pushing his blankets away and exposing him to the chilly air.

"Je suis rempli de rage. C'est très inconfortable- il fait froid ici." Astrae says to the Fereldan healer who looks at him strangely. Astrae turns his gaze to Dorian instead. "Aide moi s'il te plait, mon amour, je suis fatigué, ça ne sert à rien. J'ai aussi très très faim." The healer points at Astrae and mouths 'do you know what he's saying?'. Dorian shrugs helplessly and mouths 'no' while shaking his head. Astrae huffs as the healer pokes his side while Dorian clears his throat.

"I'm sure that whatever he just said is a plea for this session to end. In fact, neither of us has had breakfast yet and the fire needs to be stroked, it is getting quite cold in here." Astrae rolls his eyes as if saying 'I told you so'. The healer nods and gives Astrae another dose of the medicine before gracefully leaving. Astrae grabs for Dorian and whines when the Tevinter is just outside of his grasp. Dorian laughs.

"I'll be back in a second, amatus! No need to pout." Dorian's magic quickly has the fire blazing again, and he quickly heads downstairs for what must be around fifteen minutes before coming back into the room with food. Astrae takes one look at the oatmeal and suddenly doesn't feel very hungry anymore. He flops backward on the bed as Dorian tuts at him, placing the food on one of the bedside tables.

"Come now, amatus, you need to eat. I guarantee you'll feel better after eating." Dorian helps Astrae to sit back up even as he tries to push him away with a huff.

"Je n'ai plus faim." He grumbles as Dorian pushes the bowl into his hands. "Je suis serieux, Dorian." But Dorian makes him eat anyway and quickly enough they're done and cuddling in bed and Astrae feels his eyelids heavily slide shut.

_..._

_He's back in the basement again, and there's red lyruim everywhere. It sings and screams in perfect synchronization, and his parents are distantly just staring at him blank-faced from the darkness. The chains wrapped around him keeps him stuck to the ground. He jerks, panic filling him as his head aches. He tries to pull his arms free, his head shaking as he twists and turns his entire body, the basement bringing up horrible memories. Astrae thrashes, feeling his parents eyes burning into him from the shadows. Spiders crawl out from the darkness and circles Astrae menacingly. Tears start to fall as he jerks away from a spider who got too close._

_"Fuck." Astrae says shakily as a person-sized spider comes out of the darkness. He jerks backward and looks behind him, and the floor comes apart, a deep dark crevice opening. Astrae quickly glances between the spider and the crevice, using a force spell to break his chains, running and jumping down the crevice. But the charred bodies are down there waiting, making Astrae's heart race and breath come out fast. They lurch towards Astrae. His feet pound against the stones as he turns and runs, and a quick look around reveals the Redcliffe dungeons-- from the bad future. Red lyrium glows from the growths in the wall, still singing but this time a sweet tune that sounds strangely familiar, but Astrae doesn't have time to dwell as he runs up the stairs and bursts through the door- and suddenly it's Haven and it's on fire. Astrae runs, dodging Red Lyrium templars, tears running free, and suddenly there's a large wolf with several sets of bright red eyes chasing him- the Dread wolf._

_Astrae runs, feeling overwhelmed, before the path ahead is blocked by Red Templars. He turns and the Dread Wolf is prowling. One side is blocked by his frozen parents and the other by the charred bodies. Astrae feels like he can't breathe as they close in, tears falling, and then suddenly--_

...

"Amatus!" Astrae jerks awake, the tears and sweat on his skin making the cold air feel even colder. When he shivers Dorian snaps his fingers, and suddenly the fire is blazing again. Astrae gasps for air, wiping his eyes, and curls on his side into himself. "Amatus, come here, tell me what's wrong." Dorian encourages, pulling at Astrae's shoulder gently. When Astrae doesn't budge he lays down beside him, facing him and seeking out one of his hands.

Astrae's hand easily fits into Dorian’s, he realizes with a sniffle, tugging Dorian closer. Dorian takes it as an invitation to pull Astrae into his arms. Astrae twists his arms around his waist, burrowing into the Vint's chest, mouthing words but not having enough breath to say them. "Oh, amatus." Dorian runs his hands up and down Astrae's back, helping him through the last remnants of the nightmare. But Astrae's head feels clearer than it has since he got sick, and his temperature doesn't feel out of control anymore.

"Dorian." He gasps, pulling said man closer as he tears finally stop falling. "Dorian."

"I'm here amatus, I'm here." Dorian holds him tighter, and they stay like that until Astrae falls back to sleep.

The next day, Astrae doesn't tell Dorian about his dream.


	8. Fiercely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW, y'all. Be warned

Lips sliding against lips, hands pulling others closer, harsh breaths hitting skin. Dorian's hands pulled his hips closer and is rewarded with a moan from Astrae. Though they do kiss multiple times a day, every day, sometimes it gets a lot more heated than usual. Astrae's hands bunched into Dorian's shoulders, the fabric stuffed between his fingers. Astrae lets Dorian lead his hips into thrusting against Dorian's own, as Dorian's tongue traces against Astrae's lips. Astrae whines as he opens his mouth twisting his tongue with Dorian's own. Dorian's lips leave Astrae's own after a moment, moving to press hot kisses to Astrae's neck. Tongue, teeth, and lips working on Astrae's neck leaving small and not-so-small bruises on him.

One of Dorian's hands moves to unbutton Astrae's shirt, pushing it off of Astrae's shoulders. Astrae's hips jerk against Dorian's making the 'Vint moan. Dorian's hands drop to Astrae's ass, squeezing and rubbing, slipping under Astrae's pants and small clothes, squeezing, and jiggling the cheeks in his grasp. He presses his bulge even firmer against Astrae's, reveling in his moan. Astrae- his brain finally catches up- scrambles to unbuckle Dorian's robes and stripping him of them, leaving him in his pants and boots. Dorian's head dips to bite at Astrae's chest, moving to lick and pull at the pink nipples firmly poking out from his chest.

"Dorian," Astrae whispers, his hands pulling at Dorian's hair, "Dorian, please." Dorian drops down to his knees, biting and rubbing at Astrae's hips.

"What do you want, amatus," Dorian says, his voice deep and rough like sin. "I'll do anything you wish." He adds, like an afterthought. Astrae's face feels like it's on fire.

Astrae looks down at Dorian on his knees, the grey eyes gazing firmly up at him. "I.. I don't... know." Astrae mumbles out, running his fingers through Dorian's hair. Dorian pauses before standing and leading Astrae towards the bed, sitting him down before kneeling on the ground between Astrae's leg. Dorian runs his hands eagerly up and down Astrae's thighs.

"I want to try something. Is that alright?" Astrae slowly nods as Dorian smiles sharply. "Good man." He says, patting Astrae's leg before leaning forward and mouthing at the rift mage's bulge. Astrae whines, leaning his upper body back with a hand on the bed for balance. His hips twitch with a groan when he feels Dorian's teeth through his pants. Dorian's hands quickly unlace both his and Astrae's pants, pulling Astrae's pants and smallclothes down to his knees, wrapping an eager hand around Astrae's cock and pumping.

Astrae's head falls back with a strangled whine, his hand reaching out to grip Dorian's hair. "That's it, amatus..." Dorian praises, pressing stray kisses to Astrae's thighs. He squeezes Astrae's cock firmly before licking the tip, swirling his tongue inside the slit. His wild tongue licks up and down the shaft before he pops the head in his mouth.

Astrae keens, hips jerking but not thrusting, and Dorian sinks down lower. A whine is torn from his throat when the skilled Vint grazes his teeth on his cock, and when Dorian takes his entire length in his mouth and swallows around it Astrae cries out.

Dorian hums something but the blood rushing to his ears and the pressure in his cock makes sure that he can't translate whatever he hummed into words. Dorian's mouth leaves his dick with a pop, now squeezing and working the length with a hand, the cold room on his spit-covered erection pleasurably shocking his system in the best way possible. Dorian leans upward to look Astrae in the face, inviting himself on the bed to whisper in the too-close redhead's ear.

"Are you going to cum, amatus? Did you enjoy my lips around your cock?" Something about the way Dorian says 'cock' sends a shiver through Astrae's body, something about it seems naughty or dirty. Astrae can't stop his hips from rolling into Dorian's hand anymore but Dorian only whispers praise and encouragement. Astrae falls back onto the bed, hissing in pleasure as Dorian follows, his body pressed against Dorian's in the best way possible.

Dorian's cock leaks from its place grinding into Astrae's thigh, his breath coming out in pants as he works Astrae towards his end. One of the redhead's hands come down to grip Dorian's heavy cock, trying to match Dorian's pace. The Vints hips stutter as he swears, pressing bites to kisses anywhere he can reach. Astrae shakes and trembles, on the edge of release, when suddenly Dorian bites him hard.

And then suddenly he's gasping as his vision goes white, grabbing at Dorian's shoulders as he lets out a strangled whine. His head hits the sheets and his back arches, white spurts landing on his stomach and chest, and all over Dorian's hand. It lasts what feels like an eternity, but was likely only seconds before he slumps against the sheets. Dorian continues to stroke him through it, even as he whines and wiggles and feels overworked pinpricks all over his body.

"D-Dorian..." Astrae whines and his hips jerk as one of Dorian's hands travel up the length of his torso, rubbing and spreading the slick cum that has splattered over his body. Dorian flicks a nipple on his way back before finally letting go of Astrae's dick and taking his own in hand, freely thrusting into his own hand.

"You did so well, amatus," Dorian rumbles, still praising Astrae through his own stroking. Astrae's limbs finally work as he pushes himself up, cradling Dorian's jaw and pulling him in for a fierce kiss. Their tongues entangle as Dorian moans, and his hand bats Dorian's away to stroke him instead. Dorian's hips jerk in Astrae's grip, a desperate moan falling from the 'Vints lips. Astrae bites Dorian's lip as he pulls away, looking at his flushed lover's lips and cheeks, moving to bite at the place where his ear meets his neck.

"Come on love," Astrae says, breathing hot breaths into Dorian's ear. "Tell me how good it feels." Astrae's voice was already deeper than usual, but he lowered it and added a bit of a rough edge as he whispers to Dorian. Dorian groans, his eyes sliding closed. Astrae squeezes Dorian's cock, kissing up and down Dorian's neck. Dorian thrusts into Astrae's hand before cumming, his spurts land on Astrae's chest and stomach, adding to the mess. Dorian drops down onto Astrae with a groan, curling around him with a murmur. Astrae smoothes his hands up and down the Vint's back, humming a small tune.

"Vishante kaffas, when did you get good at dirty talk?" Dorian pulls his face out of Astrae's shoulder to say. His mustache now ruffled and his hair in disarray. Astrae shrugs with a smile, making Dorian huff and faceplant back into Astrae's shoulder.

Astrae smiles, feeling sated and satisfied, and pulls Dorian closer.


	9. Drunken Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astrae and Dorian drink with the rest of the inner circle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is short and sweet, and I actually wrote it a while ago.

Astrae presses a kiss to Dorian's jaw.    
  
" Amatus !" Dorian whines between huffy of laughter. "We're in  public!"  Dorian half-heartedly pushes against one of  Astrae's shoulders.  Astrae smiles brightly, like a kid in a candy store. He leans even further into Dorian's space, littering more clumsy kisses in his wake.    
  
Dorian laughs, arms resting on  Astrae's shoulders. He brings up a hand to run through  Astrae's hair as the redhead nuzzles into Dorian's embrace.    
  
"Awe, that's adorable." The Iron Bull loudly proclaims, sitting on  Astrae's left. Instead of the usual thumping on the rift mages' back he rubs his large hand up and down  Astrae's back for a moment. "Who would've thought you and Boss-?"    
  
The Iron Bull chuckles again, taking another sip of his drink before grinning at Dorian. "So, I've got to ask... what's Boss like in bed? Is he assertive, or does he like following your orders?"    
  
"Bull!"  Josephine cries out, somewhere between amused and scandalized. The Iron Bull reaches over  Astrae to nudge Dorian's shoulder.    
  
"C'mon, you big old fop. Is he usually this cuddly?"    
  
Dorian laughs as his cheeks turn slightly darker. " Vishante kaffas , you big lumbering lummox! What we do or do not participate in is our affair, not yours!"    
  
The entire table laughs at Dorian's fluster as  Astrae peeks his head up from Dorian's embrace.    
  
"Dorian usually wants cuddles in the morning. He's cuddlier than I am. Darling?"  Astrae slurs pressing another kiss to Dorian's neck. "I usually follow Dori's lead.  He.. knows what he wants. And it's always nice to let him do whatever..."    
  
The table falls silent before Sera and Bull's guffaws fill the entire room. Quickly enough, almost the entire Inner Circle is laughing, much to Dorian's embarrassment.    
  
" Festis bei umo canavarum ,  amatus ." Dorian pouts before smiling and holding  Astrae closer.


	10. Mornings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astrae and Dorian wake up together.
> 
> NSFW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was actually the first fic that I wrote about these two!!

Trevelyan sat up in his super plush inquisitor bed, the glass windows streaming in light -much to the chagrin of his night-owl lover- and making the entire room feel warm and cozy. It was just another day at Skyhold, Astrae thought as he stretched. He hummed as he felt the muscles in his back burn pleasantly. There were still hours before the morning meeting, but it was late enough to get breakfast (unlike the other day when he woke up an  hour  before dawn, much to the amazement of Dorian who claimed that he could never wake up that early if he tried).    
  
Astrae finished stretching and shifted, preparing to get up for a day when his lover's warm, dark arm clumsily wrapped around his waist. He chuckled as Dorian's face appeared from the mass of  pillows and moved to settle his chin on Astrae's bare hip. Dorian looked outside and pouted, his ruffled mustache and hair only serving to make him look adorable to his bedmate,  who laughed at the faux distress on his lover's face.    
  
_"Amatus,"_ he whined, "it's far too early to be up yet." Although, despite his words, Dorian wearily extracted himself from Astrae and stretched (much more dramatically than Astrae) before falling back into the nest of pillows and blankets with a ' ffwup ' sound. Astrae only laughed again, lightly covering his mouth, at the completely in-character reaction from his love.    
  
"Oh, you know you love it," he teased at the necromancer, quickly leaning over to peck his lips. He quickly outmaneuvered Dorian's hands as he tried to pull him back down, instead turning so his feet were dangling  off of the side of the bed.    
  
Dorian pouted again, his attempts to stay in bed and -daresay-  cuddle being thwarted by his early bird of a lover. He quickly sat up and followed Astrae to the edge of the bed, positioning himself into the Maximum Comfort position as Astrae smiled at his antics. His legs were on the outside  of both of Astrae's own, his arms around his amatus' waist, and head perched on his shoulder.    
  
"Do you have to go and leave me all cold and alone in this magnificent bed, that you never seem to appreciate enough?" Astrae only snorted and shook his head, he appreciated his bed _plenty_! When he voiced this thought though it was only met with a disbelieving huff from his love.    
  
Astrae settled on rolling his eyes (quite dramatically, too) before leaning to give his  amatus a peck on the lips. But as soon as their lips came into contact, one of Dorian's hands flew from its place on Astrae's hip, to instead latch itself to the back of his head, lightly scratching the stubble there in a way that he  knew  Astrae liked, earning him a pleased hum. He tilted his head and pressed his lips onto Astrae's firmly, and Astrae belatedly realized that this was not going to be the quick peck he was going for. 

  
  
Soon enough Dorian's tongue was firmly lapping at the seam of his mouth and he  couldn't help but feel arousal beginning to stir in his gut. His face flushed, and he tried to pull away and opened his mouth to tell Dorian that this was  not  the time for this, _it's_ _ breakfast time not... _   
  
He flushed even deeper, refusing to finish that thought as Dorian took his slightly opened mouth as an opportunity  _ (should've known my ambitious lover would do this) _ to deepen the kiss, his tongue delving inside of Astrae's mouth eagerly. Dorian, by nature, was a very...  passionate lover, as he was in nearly everything else. It really  wasn't Dorian's  fault that he was very receptive to kissing. As their tongues tangled together, Astrae  couldn't help but acutely feel everywhere the other mage was pressed up against him. It  had  been a while since they last went at it...    
  
He could feel Dorian's skin, still warm from sleep, pressed against his in a stark contrast with the cooler Skyhold air. Dorian's mustache pressed against his upper lip, feeling slightly ticklish against Astrae's own bare face. Dorian's hand, which had moved to  cup the base of his skull, right at the top of his neck, was a solid and warm presence on his skin. And,  Maker, his tongue.   
  
Astrae realized, not too long after his body started to feel on  fire  from his love's sustained assault on his mouth, that he was becoming hard from this relatively chaste interaction.  If you could call the  absolutely sinful things this man can do with his lips and tongue 'chaste'.  Not to mention  teeth. As with everything he does, Dorian is passionate, meticulous, and  throws everything he has into whatever he decides he wants to do. _ And  apparently, he wants to do me, _ Astrae thought to himself shortly before Dorian bit down on his lower lip before slowly breaking the kiss.    
  
As Astrae opened his eyes to look at his lover, and possibly demand to know  why  he decided that kissing like... _that_ was an acceptable morning  behavior , he was instead caught by surprise at his bedmate's own appearance. Astrae had always thought Dorian was attractive, even more so after he woke up sated and ruffled from the night before, but sometimes (usually in the heat of battle, or the steaminess that the necromancer brings to bed) he would give Astrae a certain  look , that had Astrae struggling to breathe and helplessly ensnared into whatever plans the  Tevinter was plotting. 

  
  
Now was one of those times. His pupils were blown wide around his stormy grey eyes, dark skin made even darker with the flush across his skin, his lips included. The mage practically  glows  whenever light hits him, and the intensity in his gaze when he takes in the entirety of Astrae's body always leaves him feeling a little more lightheaded than usual. Astrae sharply inhaled, trying to get his breathing under control, but it only caused those sharp, steely eyes to stare right back into Astrae's  own blue-green eyes. Dorian slowly -and seductively- smiled before licking his lips sensually.    
  
Dorian leaned back in, instead mouthing at Astrae's neck causing a small whimper to pour from his lips, before continuing his hot and wet trail up to Astrae's ear, nibbling on the outer edge before speaking.    
  
_ " Amatus,"  _ his voice, made deeper by arousal whispered. His hand trailed down Astrae's chest, over his tattoos, before sliding up his length making Astrae keen.  "You make the most wonderful little noises, it's a wonder that I don't ravish you every time we kiss."   
  
His hand wetly, eased by a mixture of sweat and a simple oil spell, squeezed up and down Astrae's length, causing half-formed words -babble, really- to spill from his lips as Dorian's teeth caught a spot that he was mouthing at only moments ago. Astrae keened within his love's arms and arched, his chest pushing outwards as Dorian's other hand flicked and pulled at his nipples.    
  
If his arousal was simmering before, it grew into an inferno as Dorian scratched his nails down the center of Astrae's chest, pumping his length faster and squeezing tighter, biting several hickeys into his neck. "Dorian-- Dorian ! I... I  _ can't _ _! Please, please, pleA-_ " Astrae babbled and squirmed as he felt a tightness in his body, a wire stringing tighter and tighter.    
  
Dorian only hummed and grabbed Astrae's right thigh, pulling it outwards and giving himself more room for his hand to move. Astrae's hips bucked into his hand as pleas dripped from his swollen lips, before trying to reach behind him to help please his lover. Dorian's spare hand pulled Astrae's searching one back in front of him, softly tutting at the begging man in his arms, who is being pushed closer and closer to the brink. Dorian huffed and made one more mark on his neck before pressing his lips to the skin right in front of Astrae's ear as he began shuddering.    
  
"Amatus... I want to see you come  _undone_ ," he spoke softly, and with one more stroke Astrae came, milky fluid coating his cock and Dorian's hand as he pumped him through his orgasm. Astrae's sharp cries rang through the room before he slumped against his boyfriend, panting with small whimpers and keens as Dorian pumped his over-stimulated cock as he settled down, slowing the pace of his hand as Astrae pushed himself back into his lovers embrace and turning his head to bury in his lover's neck. Astrae shyly bit a mark or two into Dorian's skin while nuzzling, causing a chuckle from his lover. Astrae gasped in air before turning around in his  love’s arms, which had wrapped themselves around him when he made the first mark. 

  
  
_"Love you, love you, love you,"_ he whispered, planting light kisses over Dorian's face  while trailing his fingers down his darker chest before reaching his hardened cock. Whispering the same oil spell from earlier -he learned it from Dorian- he stroked his love to completion as it  didn't take much after his own ' _show_ '. (He flushes when he calls it a 'show', Dorian always calls it a good show and after watching him come undone is usually only a handful of strokes away himself). Listening to Dorians breathy sighs and moans nearly got him excited again, but he was already spent from cumming the first time. His cock twitched in  interest but his recovery time wasn't  that  short. Soon enough Dorian spilled into Astrae's hand and immediately pulled the redhead into a sloppy but meaningful kiss before they both tumbled backward onto the bed, wrapped in each other's embrace.    
  
_"I love you too, amatus,"_ Dorian murmured, feeling warm and sated, lazy stroking his amatus' back.    
  
After a moment both of their stomachs gurgled in unison, causing them to break out into a fit of laughter, before deciding to finally get up and get some breakfast.


	11. Simple Comforts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astrae is head-over-heels in love with his boyfriend, who is pretty OK with it.

He felt Dorian's hand in his palm, the calloused hands rubbing against Astrae's own rough hand and he felt his cheeks heat up just a smidge and a smile spread across his lips. Their fingers weaved together and  Astrae has never felt so…  complete, if that makes any sense. He smiles widely and watches Dorian blush when an Orlesian man laughs  at their obvious affection, and Astrae can’t  help himself when he  turns to press a sweet kiss to the corner of Dorian’s mouth, and he absolutely delights in  the gasp and wide eyes his lover sends towards him. Dorian turns and takes his not-currently-held hand and  guides Astrae into a full kiss, though they keep it chaste.

Astrae giggles, both because of the scampering footsteps of the Orlesian man and  because of the pure euphoria that he gets whenever he and Dorian exchange easy affection. It always feels nice, and he knows that Dorian always makes the cutest flustered expressions  after.

When he pulls  away he grins widely, Dorian’s grey-brown eyes widened and his cheeks a pleasant ruddy red that his lips almost match. He presses another quick kiss to Dorian before they finally step into the inn, having had their fill of the bright colors of Val  Royeaux for now.

“We should do that again.”  Astrae sighs, casting his eyes to the other side of the inn. 

“Soon.” Dorian smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY FUKK I apologize it's been like,, forever!! ITS BEEN LIKE 2 MONTHS--  
> And I've had this sitting, half-completed, for AWHILE
> 
> It's been kinda stressful lately, with school and family stuff, but I'm trying okay ;-;


	12. A Problem Amongst Mages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is it always mages that are dying? Did the Circles have long lasting effects? How is Astrae's mental state?
> 
> All questions answered in this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALSO KNOWN AS: Author tries to worldbuild in a world that isn't theirs!!!  
> I'll explain why in the notes at the bottom lol

It’s never really made sense, he knows this, and yet still the answer alludes him.  _ Why do I feel like this? _ He’s checked the others, again and again, everywhere he can think of without drawing too much attention, and it seems like he’s alone in his struggles. And  he’s never even noticed any  _ scars,  _ let alone the angry little red slits that usually are the signal.  It’s shockingly common among the mages, the ones who came from the circles, and yet in his Inner Circle there isn’t even one of them who bears matching scars. Cole’s been the closest, as from the spirits’ winding words on the original Cole (the human one) it seemed he would be the type.

But it just completely confuses Astrae, the common scars are not present on his friends, even Vivienne and Solas and Dorian are unmarked. Solas he can understand, the mage being an apostate and having learned everything from the Fade. Sure, Astrae knows that he’s a lot  more lonely than he looks, but spirits seemed to have eased that ache easy enough. Vivienne, he can also sort-of understand.  She’s a strong woman who despises blood magic, she likely thought (as many beginner apprentices) that just drawing blood would be enough to trip and fall into the practice of blood magic. Fortunately for her, that superstition persisted, and she herself had told him after finding a dead apostate with slit wrists that they were probably just another blood mage-  _ really, darling,  _ she had said,  _ why else would someone do something like that? _

Astrae had bitten his tongue so hard that it drew blood.  _ I  _ _ don’t _ _ know, _ he told her, lying through his teeth,  _ you’re right, it must’ve been a stray blood mage. _ He tells her, blindly looking somewhere into her eyes and away from the poor young  womans ’ corpse, having long gone cold, and pretending he didn’t notice the dried tear-stains on her face from crying, the many old scars littering her arms, or the clutched note in her hand.

He had gone back for it, of course. He  couldn’t just let her last words, maybe even her last plea to be left unread, abandoned and alone and never even read. Astrae could at least give her that little bit of respect that she deserved long before she had done this. Taken the only way out that she knew of.

The letter was simple and stained with blood and tears, and it explained who she was and why she was here, and that she wasn’t a blood mage at all, she swore it up and down but nobody ever believed her, and now she was going to die all alone in the woods and nobody would care when she was gone. But she did leave a note attached for her parents, and Astrae pocketed it and made sure that it got sent through Josephine to her parents. They sent back their thanks and gratitude and their grief. They asked if she had been given a proper send-off, and of course she had. Astrae had lit her aflame himself and had sat with the ashes for hours before returning to camp before everyone awoke.

It  wasn’t uncommon for mages, especially those who had lived in the circles, to end up taking their lives. Or to even have thoughts of doing it. In fact, in  Skyhold , three had died by their own hand before Cullen had brought it to the war table,  absolutely anxious .  _ This  _ _ can’t _ _ go on, _ he had said- his lips pulled into a grimace,  _ why is it only the mages?  _ _ All of _ _ the other soldiers have been fine so far! What am I doing wrong? _ But Leliana had no answer, and neither had Josephine. Astrae had bit his tongue again. In the end, Leliana had some of her agents watching ‘risk’ mages closely, and Josephine had spread posters all around  Skyhold about  _ ‘if you feel this way please step forward! Killing yourself is not the solution’ _ but if the other mages were like Astrae they felt mixed on the papers at  _ best _ .

_ How would she understand? Lady Josephine had never been torn away from her family. She was never cursed with magic. _ But, that was unfair,  since Josephine was sincerely trying her best. Astrae probably  would’ve given it a chance, if he weren’t Inquisitor.  _ Besides, there are people who have it worse than me. _

It  didn’t matter what he thought, though. Josephine had several scared apprentices sneak into her room and she set them up with healers and chantry sisters. For some ‘spiritual healing’, most likely. Though, if the feelings had infected the healers too, then  who’s to say that they could heal the others?

Astrae had watched Dorian particularly  closely, and found that he didn’t understand. By all accounts, Dorian was never exactly torn away from his parents, and where  he’s from he was raised to be proud of his power, so logically he wouldn’t hurt himself like the southern mages. But he had seen Dorian slide into depressions, drink himself to the bottom of bottles, but it still astounded him that the  Vint had never reached for a blade. It completely bewildered him, and Dorian had even approached him about hiding the knives while he was wasted once.

_ “ _ _ Kaffas _ _ , where have all the daggers gone?” Dorian had grumbled, bent to  _ _ look into _ _ the lowest drawer on the end table. Astrae looked up immediately, the panic quickly striking though his heart stopping him from breathing for a moment. _

_ “Why do you need one?” Astrae slowly asks, forcing his face to turn back to the paper in his hands but watching Dorian from the corners of his eyes. Dorian stands back up and makes a waving hand-motion as he frowns and sighs, placing his other hand on his hip. _

_ “I was  _ **_ going  _ ** _ to open a letter, actually. Did you hide all the daggers?” Dorian furrows his brow as if he  _ _ couldn’t _ _ comprehend the reason why they had all disappeared, and why Astrae would have stashed them away. _

_ “You southerners are strange! Is this  _ _ some kind of custom _ _ that I do not know of?” _

_ Dorian saunters over to Astrae and takes a seat on top of the  _ _ desk top _ _ , his legs pinning Astrae to his chair as the redhead thought that Dorian couldn’t  _ **_ possibly  _ ** _ be serious. All mages know the dangers of being depressed and drunk while there are sharp objects or rope around. But looking into Dorian’s eyes just confused him further, because the man really  _ _ didn’t _ _ seem like he knew. _

_ “Well, you were drunk last night.” Astrae says slowly, still amazed that he had to explain it to the other mage. Dorian only raises a brow. _

_ “Truly? I must admit I  _ _ don’t _ _ remember much of last night. I thought I was just forgetful.” Dorian teases before smiling. “Were you worried I would attack someone? Tsk, tsk,  _ _ amatus _ _. You should know that I’m not a violent drunkard by now.” _

_ The fact that Dorian simply  _ _ doesn’t _ _ see how a sad, drunk mage shouldn’t be allowed life-threatening objects floors Astrae. Is he simply not adding up two and two? But, no, Dorian is incredibly intelligent, so he should understand. “You… Are you playing dumb?” _

_ Dorian sits up straighter, and the easy smile is gone and instead his lips are pressed together and his brows furrow. “I assure you I am not.  _ _ Why would you hide daggers from me while I was  _ **_ drunk _ ** _? What would I do, trip over them? Accidently fumble with one and lose a finger? Try to open a wine bottle with a dagger instead of a corkscrew?” _

_ They stare at each other firmly, both of their brows furrowed before Astrae huffs a laugh and leans forward to rest his head on the necromancer’s stomach. One of his hands  _ _ trail _ _ over the loose cotton shirt that Dorian had stolen from him, feeling Dorian’s warm skin under his  _ _ palm. “No, no, you’re right.  _ _ It’s _ _ just strange, is all…  _ _ I’ll _ _ fish out the daggers. Is it from your father again? How is  _ _ Maevaris _ _?” _

And that was it, Dorian had let him easily change the conversation topic. Only because he  didn’t understand what the topic Astrae was trying to broach was. If he did, he surely would have trapped Astrae in a long conversation about why he thought Dorian capable of  _ that _ and  they’d make jokes about how  Vints were blood mages and…. Well, Dorian would hide the daggers whenever Astrae got drunk, most likely. No, no—he would think Astrae  wasn’t like that. That he was somehow beyond piercing himself with the nearest pointy object at his lowest of lows, and then be surprised when it happened and blame himself. 

And yet, some little part of Astrae suspected that Dorian knew fully well the kind of damage that the circle deals to mages and just how they turn to daggers and blades and razors to curb the pain but he just never mentioned it or revealed his knowledge. But, during their more passionate explorations, Astrae had memorized every single inch of the  Vint’s skin… and no scars. No burning, or ice, or lightning, or blades.  Not even scratching. And Astrae knew for a fact that Dorian A/ was a shit healer before joining the Inquisition (Astrae taught him a few tricks and was still working at the  Vints ’ healing) and that B/ Dorian didn’t have any healer friends. Healing was a  _ Praetari _ __ job. Not an Altus job. And besides, Dorian had made very few friends during his time in the Imperium, and one of them was Felix who had little to no magical talent whatsoever.

So there was either two choices. 1/ that Dorian well and truly didn’t know what he was talking about, because it just wasn’t common among the mage nobility in  Tevinter , or that 2/ Dorian didn’t know because instead of turning to the physical pains he instead turned to the bottle. And it was very likely. Like Vivienne, Dorian just  couldn’t fathom slitting  one’s own wrists in the context of anything  _ but  _ blood magic. He just simply….  Didn’t get it.

And Dorian understood a lot of things, which is why he was as surprised as he was when he  didn’t understand a single thing. He claimed that the suicides were “tragedies” and thought perhaps the mages  couldn’t deal with the whisperings of the Fade and the demons that haunted mages’ dreams. He fully supported Josephine’s decision of reaching  out, and had moved on. He didn’t dwell on the fact that they were all mages, and he didn’t dwell on the  amount of dead mages they found out in the wilds, and he didn’t connect the dots. Well, for a while, at least.

“Why is it always the mages?” Dorian says, sounding the most confused that he ever had. “Why is it always the mages we find already dead? And of their own hand?  So many dying in pointless blood-magic attempts. Such a waste.”

Dorian shakes his head, wiping his cheek and smearing the dirt across his face. They had been fighting bandits all day, and Crestwood (despite being unusually sunny that day) is a very muddy area. Dorian’s hair was all mussed and there was mud smeared all over the front part of his pants, blood on the top half of him. His mustache was also  mussed and his kohl smudged, but the mage frowned as they stopped at yet another apostate body with slit wrists. This one had died not too long  ago, but was very thoroughly gone.

“The  Qun would tell you that it’s because mages are monsters and can’t survive without an  Arvaarad , because all mages are predisposed to madness.” The Iron Bull grumbles, stretching his back after sheathing his  greataxe . “But I think it’s because they didn’t have anywhere to go, and they would rather die than be put back in circles or back under templar watch.”

Astrae frowns at how close the Iron Bull had hit, but it  wasn’t quite the same. A good amount of the circle mages could have gone home, since not  _ everywhere  _ was so infested with mage-hate. Worst comes to worst and they get their own slums that could over time turn into  alienages , like the elves.  _ On your left, is the Elven alienage. On your right is the  _ _ malificar _ _ alienage, or where the mages are kept. _

Astrae squints harder at this apostate’s suicide note as Varric whistles behind him.

“Geez, Tiny,  neither of those sound good. They could have joined the Inquisition! Our mages are free, and word of it has gotten around everywhere! Why die in the woods with demons when you can be with people like you?” Varric scratches his chin, frowning. “I can see what you mean, though. Kirkwall’s mages were the same way. Once they were out, they would have rather died than be dragged back.”

Astrae hears Dorian shuffling. “That is a dismal thought.” He says archly, and he can tell that Dorian still  doesn’t quite understand. “But the circles are no more. Why jump to death and blood magic when you could be free? There is nothing holding them back now. Shouldn’t they be happy?”

And… Dorian did raise a good point. In many of the notes that they had left behind thus far all of them had written something like ‘ _ I should be happy but I’m not, there must be something wrong with me, maybe I just don’t deserve freedom’ _ . And Astrae himself struggles with that sometimes. He gets a sinking feeling and loneliness whenever he thinks about still being alive and being free. Not happiness.  But, he does feel happy with his friends, so at least there’s that.

The Iron Bull hums, and his next words make Astrae flinch in surprise. “You should ask boss about that. I’m sure he knows more than he tells people.”

Astrae takes a deep breath before looking up at the Bull, willing his rapidly beating heart to calm. He scowls. “What do you mean by that, Bull?”

He stands and turns, motioning for the others to follow. Bull casually trots next to Astrae as Dorian and Varric share a puzzled look.

“You don’t look happy when others aren’t looking, Boss.” Bull points out, waving a hand. “And you always burn the bodies and read the notes left behind. But whenever  you’re asked you say whatever’s written is not important. And I  _ watched  _ you bite your tongue when Cullen wondered why the mages were killing themselves. You know something, but you’re not saying anything.”

Astrae sighs and pinches his nose. “It’s not that simple.  It’s something that mages understand. Well, circle mages anyway. Not Vivienne, though. ”

Bull watches with a keen eye as Astrae waves a hand, frowning. “Well, explain it then. You’re good at explaining things.”

Dorian nods, grabbing at Astrae’s hand and leading them all to a little circle of trees to sit against. Everyone settles down as Varric takes out some paper and a quill.

“Okay, Princess, I’ll write this down so our commander has an answer.” Varric says, nodding and smiling encouragingly.

“Enlighten us,  amatus .” Dorian says, settling as much as possible while sitting on the damp ground against a tree. Iron Bull keeps his eye trained on Astrae, almost as if the pressure will push him to talk. It works.

“ ....it’s not as simple as “blood magic” or “madness”, no matter how much I fail to correct Vivienne.” Astrae starts out slowly, trying to puzzle through how best to convey the intense feelings of despair and crushing hopelessness that is experienced. “And  it’s not completely just that we don’t know where to go, or that we  _ can’t  _ go back to these places. In some of these notes, they mention their family, who they know would be happy to have them back. And the circles  aren’t hunting anyone down to recapture them. We know this, but  it’s just… a lot.

“To suddenly go from owning next to nothing, including your life, to having to provide for yourself and  being able to keep things is just baffling, especially for those who basically grew up in the circles. From being constantly watched and surrounded and judged to being alone and free but lonely and lost…  it’s a lot to take in all at once. Especially if you get separated from the remnants of your Circle.”

Dorian frowns and leans forward as Varric continues to scribble down everything that Astrae had said. The Iron Bull closes his eye to just listen. “But aren’t they happy to be free? Why not go back home, or build a new one?”

Astrae nods to Dorian with a frown. “ That’s a good question, and those are the questions they ask themselves. Why not just go home? Why aren’t you happy to be free? And it just makes everything worse. You  _ know  _ you’re supposed to be  happy, you know that everything that was taken from you is now back in your grasp. But do you  _ deserve  _ it, is the question that we end up asking. And usually the answer is  _ no, I don’t deserve it.” _

Astrae sighs at the three confused  look that all three of them give him in unison. Disbelief and incredulousness all pointed at him. “It’s something that gets drilled into you in the circles.  _ Magic is meant to serve man, not rule him  _ gets turned into  _ your only purpose is to follow your orders.  _ What happens when you have no orders? No templars? You now have no purpose. What do mages who have no purpose get? Death. Tranquility. If  you’re not useful in the circles you get  _ made  _ to be useful.  _ Magic exists to serve man, and never to rule over him. _ /  _ Foul and corrupt are they _ /  _ Who have taken His gift _ / _ And turned it against His children. _ /  _ They shall be named  _ _ Maleficar _ _ , accursed ones. _ /  _ They shall find no rest in this world _ /  _ Or beyond. _ Transfigurations 1:2 . Any mages who does not serve the Chantry is  maleficarum , and will be hunted as such. But there is no escaping being a  maleficar ,  you’re always going to become it no matter what you do, you are always and always  _ have been  _ a  maleficar because you are a mage. You are a monster, and you know it, so what is there left to do without the templars protecting you from the darkness within yourself?

“You  run, because you’re scared. You run and you cry and you fight it because you  _ can’t  _ be a monster, you’ve never even used blood magic, you were good in the circle and you’re just another person. But you are.  You’re a monster,  maleficar , and apostate and you’re always doomed to blood magic and possession and becoming an abomination. All you’re ever destined to do is hurt people and now you’re lost and alone because you  ran and you know you don’t deserve anyone to look for you. So why not just finish it off? Save the world a monster, make everyone’s job easier for when you eventually get possessed or do blood magic. End it before it can go as far as the templars said it would go. And you do it and now  you’re gone, your body still alone in the woods, and all you ever wanted to do was to be a person instead of a monster.”

Astrae finishes a bit out of  breath, but is overall proud of himself for keeping his tears at bay.

“ _ Every  _ mage can’t feel like that.” Varric says, eyebrows furrowed. “Hawke didn’t feel like that.”

“Hawke was also an apostate who never experienced a circle.” Astrae corrects, rolling his eyes. “She was raised in a family that hid their  magic, but were proud of it anyway. But  you’re right, there are  _ some  _ mages luckier than others that don’t exactly believe that. Among those are the mages stolen from their clans, anyone who  doesn’t believe in the Chantry or the Maker, and those in positions of power like Vivienne. But I can guarantee you, as one of the men low down on the power hierarchy in the circles, that  the majority of the mages felt this way. And the strong-spirited ones were treated the worst, especially the  D alish. They would be transferred from circle to circle, templars would target and harass them, at every corner their being and culture spat on and bashed on. Some still made it though, but if they were too “strong willed” the meaner templars would tranquilize them.  But, not every templar is like that, and some circles are particularly good at weeding out the bad ones. Unless  you’re in places like Kirkwall, I guess.

“But with templars,  they’re always watching, waiting for you to mess up. For you to fail or do something they  don’t like, and you’re always aware. Everyone is assigned a specific templar who follows you around everywhere, and who would kill you without hesitation if they caught you  doing something that looked bad. It… makes you feel like a danger, instead of a person. An eventual, waiting disaster, that could strike at any minute.  You’re not a person to them, you’re a  could -be demon in disguise or a clever blood mage. And  they’re not people to you. They become things that just always watch, and you know  wouldn’t feel anything as they killed you. And there are bad templars who would do much worse than just watch… and they became monsters in our eyes themselves.  _ Warning you, Ser Kent is looking for you in the library. He looked angry. Have you got someone to heal your bruises yet? Hope he  _ _ doesn’t _ _ hurt you too badly, you’re one of the only healers we’ve got. Just yell if he breaks bones, we’ll help you back to your rooms.” _

Astrae shakes his head again, with a sigh.  Fucking Ser Kent .

“Maker, that’s barbaric!” Dorian exclaims as Astrae pauses, and Varric is frowning even as  he’s scribbling things down. “If  _ anyone  _ was watching me trying to read in full-plate armor I would be uncomfortable. To have them watch me all  day? I wouldn’t be able to stand it!”

“I’m going to make a guess and say Ser Kent was the templar assigned to you, and not just an example.” Bull says, looking Astrae over closely. “Someone actually give you that warning?”   
Astrae huffs a sigh and rolls his eyes. “It was the first example I could think of. And yes, he broke my arm, the _ass._ Molly Amell was one of the few who were actually brave enough to stand up for the templars. Huh. I wonder where she is now…”

Astrae shakes his head with a sigh and startles when Dorian is suddenly touching his arm and giving him a look that just screamed  _ ‘sympathy’ _ . He smiles at Dorian and shakes his head, opening his mouth to say something before Varric beats him to it.

“Should we leave you two alone? I’m sure Dorian will want to set someone on fire soon, and I don’t want to be close enough for it to be me.” He says with a laugh, helping to lighten the atmosphere. Dorian nods and Bull shrugs, getting up and leaving the premises with Varric trailing along behind him.

“ _ Amatus _ _ , _ ” Dorian says, “have you ever…”

It was a long conversation of Astrae assuring Dorian that he most definitely wasn’t going to slit his own wrists even though he sometimes thought of it- the poor Vint had been very shocked and concerned- and frowned at Astrae across their tent that night.   
“You know I trust you,” he says, and Astrae braces himself for the _punched in the face_ feeling that is sure to follow his next statement. “But… I get worried, you know. Are you sure that you’re okay?”

Huh. That was a lot less emotionally devastating than he thought it was going to be. Astrae blinks at Dorian before furrowing his brows.

“I’ve been getting a lot better than before, Dorian.” Astrae says, with a smile. “I haven’t done blood magic for two years, at least, not to mention cutting into myself. I think I’ve made good progress.”

Dorian frowns again, with a sigh. “You didn’t mention the blood magic earlier.” 

He eyes Astrae, trying to read into his body language the way that the Bull  can to see everything in Astrae. It  doesn’t work.  “You’re not a monster.”

Dorian pulls Astrae close as he says it so that the redhead  can’t see his face. Astrae tenses, and frowns. “You’re not, and you’ve got to stop telling yourself that you are.  You’re a good man—sometimes I wonder how a man as good as yourself could even be  _ possible.  _ And yet here you are, sitting here, telling me you know blood magic. And you’re still a good man somehow.”

Dorian rambles, hiding his face in Astrae’s shoulder and clinging to the other man. “You could be an active blood mage and I’d still follow you anywhere. I must be a bumbling  _ fool _ , but  I’ve seen you trip over your boots in your eagerness to help everyone under the sun.  You’re almost a storybook hero! But, if  I’m being honest, I’m glad that you’re not as perfect as you seem. It sometimes makes you feel… unreal. But just knowing that you have a past too… is enough to make you seem more…  _ solid.  _ To me, at least. So please,  don’t leave me so soon,  amatus .”

Astrae is man enough to admit that yes, there are tears running down his face, and that no, this does not make him a wimp or less of a man.  Astrae pushes into Dorian’s embrace and muffles a sob in the other mage’s shoulder, and hears Varric outside go “ Andraste’s flaming ass, Sparkler is making Princess cry instead of rutting him like a  nug ! I thought I’d never see the day!” and laughs in the middle of his teary mess.

Dorian laughs too, as well as Varric and the Bull, and Astrae pulls back only to kiss the necromancer that had somehow stumbled into his heart. 

Dorian then easily takes the control back from Astrae’s hands to pepper kisses along his cheeks and face, smiling when it makes Astrae giggle in exhilaration.  They sleep tangled up together, more so than usual, and if Astrae holds onto Dorian’s hand a little tighter the next morning then that’s between Dorian and himself, and based on the grin that the mage shoots at him, Dorian’s happy to squeeze his fingers affectionately back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I thought really long and hard about circles and this chapter is basically what I came to. Living like that, cut off from all family and support would be TORTURE!
> 
> Had a lot of feelings, some experience in this kinda thing, and read a couple of other fanfics that had similar type things.
> 
> I just feel like mages (in Fereldan/Orlais) would be more vulnerable to depression, anxiety, ptsd, and very VERY low self esteem. They're treated like WEAPONS for their entire lives!! Cut off from their families!! Stuck in CIRCLES with people who TRAIN TO KILL THEM for the "inevitability" of them becoming possessed or a blood mage!
> 
> And, of course, there ARE good templars. I'm SURE that there are good templars. But bad people FLOCK to jobs that give them power over other people. That's what they WANT. POWER. And templars would be the same.
> 
> PS:: at the end, when Dorian asks Astrae not to leave him even though Astrae isn't particularly suicidal or even self harming is kind of based off of a dream I had.


	13. The First I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares and kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! It's been almost a month!  
> Back again with a new chapter though! Hope you enjoy  
> :D

“I love you.” The air warps and colors blur, a foggy figure reaching for him. “I love you so much my little Rose.”

It doesn’t feel real, and Astrae realizes with a gasp that it isn’t. But that doesn’t make it any less unnerving. His mother is still trying to reach through her own blurriness and golden light streams from behind her like a halo. Astrae shrinks back and feels only weightlessness. There’s nothing but empty darkness behind him, and watery demise if this were real.

“Rose. Why won’t you grab my hand?” The calmness in her voice makes Astrae uneasy, so he doesn’t answer. Seconds tick by and his mother’s voice, sickly sweet, comes back. “Would you rather drown than be in the arms of your dear mother? Is it not love that you want so desperately? Why would you keep Dorian around otherwise?”

He feels sick. How could she even _imply–_ but then the world is spinning, and he somehow falls upside down and lands in an upside-down world. He gasps for air when suddenly he’s lit up and on stage, the empty theater house of his childhood empty and cold. The wooden stage and deep red backdrop offset his costume that looks to be a dramatized Orlesian garb from two ages ago. He’s the only actor, and in the spotlight. _The tale of the Knight of the Winding Wood? This is a children’s play._

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a children’s play or not as his mother sits among empty chairs, her blue-green eyes cutting into Astrae from her place in the very center of the audience.

“Is Dorian your princess or your mistress?” She gibes, voice still sweet but somehow cruel. Two mannequins, dressed in the costumes, appear in front of him. One wearing the Princess’ gown, and the other the mistress’ low-cut dress.

Astrae shakes his head. Neither are good options, nor do they represent what Dorian is. And he doesn’t think of himself as much of a prince, so he takes off his crown and just holds it in a hand. The world swirls again and he’s now in different clothing, a background character, as his mother tuts.

“You were meant to be great but here you are, little Rose.” She sighs, frowning. “Just a small little word lost in a sea of pages. What a pity.”

 _I wish._ Astrae finds himself spun again, and he’s suddenly wearing the princess’ gown. “Perhaps he’s your Prince? I very much doubt he’s your knight. You don’t deserve to be saved.”

A moving mannequin appears again, but this time the prince. Astrae shakes his head and his clothes melt away to reveal the fool. His mother stands, cold and distant, walking away but her voice still ringing clear.

“You’re just a fool. You deserve nothing more than to have the anchor consume you.”

The floor buckles and gives, he falls faster and faster, reaching and grasping for something– _anything– but there’s only angry green sparking fade below him, churning into a vortex, he closes his eyes just before he’s consumed and–_

“Amatus?” A warm hand on his shoulder shakes him gently. “Are you alright?”

Astrae blinks his eyes open, tears blurring his vision, and he sees the bright light of morning. He gasps in a breath and tries to sit up quickly but fumbles and almost falls back onto his side. Dorian catches him and helps him the rest of the way up.

“Steady, now. You were crying in your sleep. Were demons trying to sink their claws into your beautiful body?”

Astrae takes a few deep breaths, the sheets light against his skin and air only slightly cold. His chest is bare and Dorian hasn’t removed his hand from his arm yet. The sun is bright and the snowy mountains outside his window makes him feel small in a pleasant way. He turns to look at Dorian with his mussed hair and mustache, bright grey-brown eyes, and small concerned frown. He pulls Dorian into his arms and buries his face into his shoulder.

“Oh, amatus,” Dorian coos, petting his hair and running a smoothing a hand up and down Astrae’s neck. “Whatever the demons said, it wasn’t true. It was a despair, wasn’t it? Trying to make you feel horrible because all it does is scream and cry like a toddler. But you’re such an amazing man that it couldn’t even _dream_ of possessing you.”

Astrae laughs a bit wetly, Dorian’s warmth comforting in his arms. He presses a kiss to Dorian’s shoulder in gratitude and sighs heavily, getting the weight off of his chest. “It was my mother.”

Dorian tenses slightly before relaxing again. “Oh? I wasn’t aware that your mother was a demon. Do tell me more, amatus.”

Astrae pulls back before looking into Dorian’s eyes, cradling the necromancer’s face. A small nervous laugh bubbles from his throat. “I tried to ignore her. But then she started talking about _you._ Just… needling. Like a normal mother would, I suppose. But… I think it was getting mixed with my last meeting with her and… it wasn’t a good outcome.”

Dorian’s eyes flutter shut as Astrae leans forwards to press light kisses to the vint’s lips.

“I love you.” Dorian gasps as Astrae says it. “I love you _so_ much.”

Dorian leans into Astrae’s embrace, a firmer kissed pressed onto his lips as Dorian presses forwards. “ _Amatus…”_

Astrae smiles, wide and toothy, knowing what amatus means. And even with nightmares, waking up in Dorian’s arms is worth every second.


End file.
